Once I'm super rich I'm gonna hire Usher to direct people to their seats at my wedding

If a woman births a baby with hooves its umbilical chord is connect to the placentaur. Sorry.

"I am an executive producer of semen"

I feel like zebras have a good sense of humour

RT @merliniscool All I do is retweet other people. It's a sad life but someone's gotta do it.

Brian Peppers is the best thing that has ever happened to me

Wrote a sick guitar riff today! fuckin #REGAL

If Kanye West likes hockey I bet he's sad right now

A lifelong vegetarian is tantalized by all the hype about bacon - becomes bacurious

Asteroids= Space Crumbs

I just paused Stairway to Heaven to listen to a video called "Larry King Dubstep." What am I doing with my life.

Benedict Cumberbatch and his upcoming Star Trek sequel costar Zachary Quinto have been given the celebrity couple name "Qucumber"

"I love this shit!" jacob black about bella and edward's baby

Watching breaking dawn with my bros!

Have you guys heard of the facebook?

i just watched a deaf person have a hard time getting the attention of another deaf person.

Less Exciting Band of Horses #lessexcitingbandnames

Lost my phone, if anyone needs to ge ahold of me just shoot me a fax.

Keegan is extrordinaire!

Gynecologist? Why don't they just call themselves Vaginists? Stop beating around the bush.