Because of something called a leap second, we get one extra second of summer this year.I am going to use mine to become a better person.

I've hung in a lot longer than 4 years on a lot worse relationships.Don't know if it will work but.. still in love with this guy. #DNC

Just read that Ann Coulter is"in despair"over the election.I hope someone lets us know what each of us can do to pitch in and make it worse.

A new study shows drinking alcohol daily lessens stroke risk in women.It wont be easy but I'll make this commitment to wellness.

Handy tip about having sex with a woman:If for some reason you suspect you may not know what you are doing, for GODSSAKE DON'T DO IT HARDER.

More people would want to meditate if there was a way to accumulate 'serenity bucks' that you could then exchange for cash and prizes.

Pat Robertson says victims of recent tornadoes didn't pray enough.See? That's why Hollywood never gets hit by tornadoes.Its all the prayer.

It seems to me that the bed bug problem could be very easily solved by introducing bed birds and bed lizards into the bed eco-system.

Main thing I've learned as an adult is that happiness runs on a separate track from achieving show biz goals. #dontconfusethetwo #ripwhitney

Not too soon. Just not funny.

Why I cant work in advertising:If I had been at the meeting where this catch phrase was approved,someone would be dead. http://t.co/rfnmIXSW

Maybe Rick Perry is a last minute gift from the Mayan gods to remind us that the end of the world is not the worst thing that can happen.

My favorite time is before sunrise when its still structurally impossible for me to start berating myself about having wasted the whole day.

Its not hard to understand Newt's point about open marriage because its crazy to think one woman could own Newt. Newt belongs to the wind.

I finally bought a "humane rat trap",assembled it& set it up in my kitchen.Its an exact duplicate of the room I sit in when I have to write.

The USDA.has ruled that school lunches must have two vegetables every day.Ha! Good luck getting kids to eat both french fries AND Pizza.

"It is no accident that Marvel comix has been drawing fictional presidents who look like me since the 50s." Mitt Romney. #Tweetthepress

Kudos to John Boehner, early winner of my 2013 award for human in photo I would most like to scribble on with a pen til the image is torn.

When starting a new piece of writing you want to make yourself as miserable as possible so that even writing seems like a fun alternative.

Writing is such a pain it feels like the talent you get stuck with because the gods are punishing you for not being better at music or art.