Grandad said its going to be bad for flu this year. I said tell me something I don't know so he said your nans arse can take my whole fist!

My 13 year old has got a facebook account :-( expect to see me on Twitter far more from now on

The four year old just asked me if we can get rid of that smelly noisy boy. I told her he has to stay, he's her brother. She's not impressed

Me - "What are you thinking about my love?" Husband - "Badgers playing tennis."

Some people are givers, some people are takers and some people are doormats.

Hey, don't look now but I'm being followed by a couple of very hot MI5 officers. If I go missing, for the love of God, don't look for me!

If I'm a cougar can someone call a vet please......tell him to bring the tranq gun.

Sundays without weed are just wrong!

I didn't go out in the end. I looked so good I feared I'd drive all the men wild with desire. So for the sake of mankind I stayed home.

Every night the dog honestly thinks I'm going to say, "you know what, Furface, you stay there and I'll curl up at the bottom of the bed'.

Lost my job as a poof rader at The Sun #repundancy

The four year old just attempted to high five me. Instead she clobbered me in the face. Not sure if it was an accident or a clever plan :-/

This day 5 yrs ago Bel was born not breathing. The longest 2 mins of my life were spent waiting for her to cry. #lovetheNHS for saving Bel.

A vicar smiles at me every morning. I hope it's because he had me one drunken night years ago and not because God told him all about me.

Apparently there is no network coverage in my cleavage.

If Monday grabbed me by the throat and shook me awake then Tuesday has shafted me from behind with a run up and no lubrication.

I hate when I spend five minutes calling for one of the kids, and when they finally answer I've forgotten what I was going to say!

Tips from 4 year old Bel: always have a clean house, always have clean pants, always have a clean nose, wear a backpack to work or get fired

QI has made me the type of person who will answer a 'factual funny' tweet with the correct answer, totally rendering said joke obsolete.

Picky and Gobbit are hanging around outside in the rain with two boys they fancy. Can't wait for hubs to put the dress on & mince out there.