I wonder how much of my daily cardio I can attribute to carrying around this giant ball of resentment...

I'm the Jackson Pollock of Draw Something.

I'm convinced hell is a series of doorways that you slam your knuckles into as you pass through

Sometimes I wonder if Gin dreams about me too.

If you've got 99 problems and a bitch aint one, I could probably solve that missing bitch prob for ya.

I'm seeing stars... unfortunately not on twitter.

I wish Werner Herzog could be my internal monolouge sometimes. It'd be easier to tune him out than my conscience.

greek yogurt can just calm the fuck down already.

I need a life coach that can write prescriptions

manicure, pizza, and motherfucking ROAD HOUSE.

Titanic 3D. So your 32 cats can have some 'alone' time, hoarders.

maybe if I sit perfectly motionless noone will bother me.

my favorite part of Thanksgiving is that it's over.

Thanks for ruining Lance Armstrong for me, Lance Armstrong.

turns out I took myself pretty serious in 1993

Catherine Zeta Jones will spend every waking moment trying to prove she's more than just Cathy Douglas.

Getting high on art supplies

I love new followers! They help me maintain my exact same follower count.

walking dead was my favorite guilty pleasure until it turned into an allegory against our preemptive strike foreign policies .

I would rather go to a Sandals beach resort with Joran Van Der Sloot than watch the Footloose remake.