It's impossible to poop without my phone

Larting. When u laugh so hard you fart.

You know that super excited feeling you get when you get a star or a retweet. It's almost like quitting a job because you inherited money

I've said It once and I'll say it a million Times It's not Rape if you yell "SURPRISE"

Signing out of Twitter is Like Trying to leave the Bar . It's Always Like. . . . "JUST ONE MORE.... I promise Just one More"

I may not be Mrs. Right, but I will Fu*k you until she shows up.

I may Not be smarter then a Fith Grader but at least I can Buy Booze

Men have two emotions, Hungry and Horny! If he doesn't have a raging #woody , make him a god dam sandwich , ya Hurd !

Can someone please tell me exactly what would Jesus do?

IF I MAKE 300 Followers today I will snort my iPhone

Americans : they only choose from 2 men to be president but 50 for Miss America. Enough said

I really wish life gave us lemons instead of All the other shit we get

Um if your iPhone 4s battery goes From 100% at 7:00am to 39% by 9:56am... We were probably Seperated at birth

Whitney Houston's next movie : The Bodybag

How does fav star work? I really want a trophy to put on my shelf with the rest of the non existing accomplishments I've made in my life.

If a girl stays with one guy even after all the shit hes done it doesn't mean she doesn't see it..it means she actually loves him..

I remember before I had my kids I could bend over and tie my shoes without getting black eyes from my slaughtered orangutan titties

Do I eat sleep breathe and worship Twitter????
You bet your Whitney Housten loved crack Ass I do!

P.s I'm a few followers short of sniffing my iPhone

Wash your Winky, thoroughly