People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.

If being annoyed burned calories I'd be Keira Knightley skinny or possibly dead.

I know I'm going to embarrass myself in most situations but the specifics still surprise me.

With my luck, I'll die and get reincarnated as myself.

All I'm saying is A Flock of Seagulls worked aurora borealis into a song and we should really respect that.

I don't think this wine is erasing the right memories.

These days my "dancing" looks an awful lot like "sipping a drink in the corner and judging people".

My self-loathing hit critical mass when I tried on orange jeans.

I don't know, I just prefer it when a guy is at least as masculine as Bea Arthur.

Let's focus on positive things, like the fact my perm years came before digital cameras.

I just want to meet someone like Kurt Russell's hair.

I feel like a hug from John Goodman would cure basically everything.

I've discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

If you made a pie chart illustrating the ratio of my food to non-food tweets, I'd probably eat that, too.

It's the apathy that makes my hair so shiny.

Ten toes seems a little excessive.

You can wash down a pound of gummi bears with a bottle of white wine and not die.

I liked Taylor Swift more when I thought she was one of those brooms from Fantasia.

I bet Alternate Universe Me is all tall and thin and way literate and also knows how alternate universes work.

I hope fulfilling my destiny doesn't require me to get off the couch.