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People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
I know I'm going to embarrass myself in most situations but the specifics still surprise me.
If being annoyed burned calories I'd be Keira Knightley skinny or possibly dead.
With my luck, I'll die and get reincarnated as myself.
All I'm saying is A Flock of Seagulls worked aurora borealis into a song and we should really respect that.
I've discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
These days my "dancing" looks an awful lot like "sipping a drink in the corner and judging people".
I don't think this wine is erasing the right memories.
I feel like a hug from John Goodman would cure basically everything.
I just want to meet someone like Kurt Russell's hair.
My self-loathing hit critical mass when I tried on orange jeans.
Ten toes seems a little excessive.
Let's focus on positive things, like the fact my perm years came before digital cameras.
I don't know, I just prefer it when a guy is at least as masculine as Bea Arthur.
I hope fulfilling my destiny doesn't require me to get off the couch.
If you made a pie chart illustrating the ratio of my food to non-food tweets, I'd probably eat that, too.
I liked Taylor Swift more when I thought she was one of those brooms from Fantasia.
It's the apathy that makes my hair so shiny.
You can wash down a pound of gummi bears with a bottle of white wine and not die.
If you know a phrase more hideous than "big girl panties" please keep it to yourself.