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People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
If being annoyed burned calories I'd be Keira Knightley skinny or possibly dead.
I know I'm going to embarrass myself in most situations but the specifics still surprise me.
With my luck, I'll die and get reincarnated as myself.
All I'm saying is A Flock of Seagulls worked aurora borealis into a song and we should really respect that.
I don't think this wine is erasing the right memories.
These days my "dancing" looks an awful lot like "sipping a drink in the corner and judging people".
I feel like a hug from John Goodman would cure basically everything.
I just want to meet someone like Kurt Russell's hair.
I've discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My self-loathing hit critical mass when I tried on orange jeans.
Let's focus on positive things, like the fact my perm years came before digital cameras.
I don't know, I just prefer it when a guy is at least as masculine as Bea Arthur.
If you made a pie chart illustrating the ratio of my food to non-food tweets, I'd probably eat that, too.
It's the apathy that makes my hair so shiny.
I hope fulfilling my destiny doesn't require me to get off the couch.
Ten toes seems a little excessive.
I liked Taylor Swift more when I thought she was one of those brooms from Fantasia.
You can wash down a pound of gummi bears with a bottle of white wine and not die.
I bet Alternate Universe Me is all tall and thin and way literate and also knows how alternate universes work.