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People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
With my luck, I'll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I just hope I'm hating the right things.
I know I'm going to embarrass myself in most situations but the specifics still surprise me.
Brunch? No, I went to public school.
If being annoyed burned calories I'd be Keira Knightley skinny or possibly dead.
All I'm saying is A Flock of Seagulls worked aurora borealis into a song and we should really respect that.
I've discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I just want to meet someone like Kurt Russell's hair.
These days my "dancing" looks an awful lot like "sipping a drink in the corner and judging people".
I don't think this wine is erasing the right memories.
I feel like a hug from John Goodman would cure basically everything.
Finally came to terms with Harrison Ford's earring. There are other battles.
My self-loathing hit critical mass when I tried on orange jeans.
If you know a phrase more hideous than "big girl panties" please keep it to yourself.
Ten toes seems a little excessive.
If you made a pie chart illustrating the ratio of my food to non-food tweets, I'd probably eat that, too.
I saw Encino Man in the theaters, so.
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