If anyone needs me, I will be in 1992, with my pager, my guess Jeans, and my chubby girlfriend with braces.

Don't you shit yourself and walk away old man, trying to pawn that off on me. That's my fucking move!

Being single is the best savings account I ever opened. In other news, my right hand has a grip you wouldn't believe.

After 37 texts, 23 phone calls, and a slow drive by your parents house. I think I've proven my love. Your move.

If my sex life were any slower, it would actually go back in time...wait, what?

I'm on to you, waitress at golden corral. Shoving water down my throat to fill me up. Fuck that, I'm here to put on a clinic. I'm hongry!

I think the next time I wear Jeans, I'm gonna tight roll them, just to show people I used to be cool in the 90's.

Just waiting to see a tumbleweed roll by and Sam Elliot to start narrating. That would make my fucking day. My hopes are high.

"beer for my horses" filed under exciting crime movies on Netflix. Somebody fucked up. Seriously,Toby fucking Keith.

Skim milk is about as useful as a girl who says "lets just be friends"

Fuck you,people who can run without breathing heavy.

Hooters was a disappointment, so cover your asses, I'm on a rage and feel like fuckin...star fuckin'

I keep telling myself, once I hit 100 followers I will post a pic of my boobs. then I remember I'm a man and no one wants to see that shit.

Girls that wear flats, what's with that frito chip smell coming from your feet?...making me all hungry and Shit.

Hiding your pain with a smile is like hiding the smell of dog shit with a scented tissue.

Somedays,I feel like the hand that scratches a fat ladies ass. Other days, I just feel like a fat lady.

Whenever I see #FF I immediately think Face Fuck. You bunch of face fuckers. Hahaha!....Fuckity Fuck.

Watching "back to the future" makes me wish I would have masturbated to Elizabeth Shue more, when I was younger.

Must be training bra day at Hooters, this is worse than a strip club at 2 on a Wednesday. Well, this food is going to taste like shit now.

I would love to sit and listen to you flap your gums, but, I am pressed for time and this roofie isn't going to swallow itself. Come on!