90% of being an adult is saying, "I guess I'll stop doing this fun thing so I can be on time for something I hate."

PREQUEL: "Goddamned Mohicans Everywhere."

Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

Alls I'm saying is even if you eat the entire 1lb bag of Milk Duds, the ABSOLUTE MOST you can gain is 1lb. That's just fucking math.

Tell me more about how depressed you are. Type it into your handheld device containing all the world's knowledge and art.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Hello, New Follower with Bible Verse in Bio. This, I imagine, will be a short dance.

I love the end of THE GIVING TREE when the stump is chained and uprooted, showcasing the torque of the completely redesigned 2013 Dodge Ram.

Quick reminder that your best platonic guy friend wants to fuck you on the nearest available surface every single second you're together.

I shouldn't have to tell you that a girl who won't duel you with a plastic cocktail sword is an absolute waste of your time.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: I have set up two gmail accounts, each forwarded to the other. I have no demands. Say goodbye to your precious Internet.

Remember when our biggest worry was if someone had given the president a blowjob?

IMAGE: a rhino trots up with a selection of donuts on his horn. u wanted cream-filled but are a good-natured soul & realize his limitations.

Fuck like all your exes are watching.

I'll make eye contact with the homeless dude clutching a dead opossum before I will the dude working a mall kiosk.

"After a while... Eric." -last line of my alligator/crocodile buddy cop screenplay

Harry Potter and His Wizard Friends Who Are Just Gonna Keep Letting Africa Starve, I Suppose

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME." -your bookshelf watching you wade through Twitter tonight

If money were no object, what would be ur dream ringtone?

Hello, I found a picture of Batman marrying Boba Fett to Mrs. Doubtfire. I am going back to bed until Friday.  http://twitpic.com/c7b3dx