Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
90% of being an adult is saying, "I guess I'll stop doing this fun thing so I can be on time for something I hate."
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
PREQUEL: "Goddamned Mohicans Everywhere."
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Tell me more about how depressed you are. Type it into your handheld device containing all the world's knowledge and art.
Alls I'm saying is even if you eat the entire 1lb bag of Milk Duds, the ABSOLUTE MOST you can gain is 1lb. That's just fucking math.
Hello, New Follower with Bible Verse in Bio. This, I imagine, will be a short dance.
I love the end of THE GIVING TREE when the stump is chained and uprooted, showcasing the torque of the completely redesigned 2013 Dodge Ram.
"After a while... Eric." -last line of my alligator/crocodile buddy cop screenplay
Quick reminder that your best platonic guy friend wants to fuck you on the nearest available surface every single second you're together.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: I have set up two gmail accounts, each forwarded to the other. I have no demands. Say goodbye to your precious Internet.
I shouldn't have to tell you that a girl who won't duel you with a plastic cocktail sword is an absolute waste of your time.
I'll make eye contact with the homeless dude clutching a dead opossum before I will the dude working a mall kiosk.
IMAGE: a rhino trots up with a selection of donuts on his horn. u wanted cream-filled but are a good-natured soul & realize his limitations.
Remember when our biggest worry was if someone had given the president a blowjob?
Fuck like all your exes are watching.
Harry Potter and His Wizard Friends Who Are Just Gonna Keep Letting Africa Starve, I Suppose
Patient just looked me square in the eye and said, "Fuck Tom Cruise and his invisible ponytail," and you know what? Goddamned right.
If money were no object, what would be ur dream ringtone?
"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME." -your bookshelf watching you wade through Twitter tonight
The oldest son of an oldest son of an oldest son of an oldest son and can you even imagine the power.