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90% of being an adult is saying, "I guess I'll stop doing this fun thing so I can be on time for something I hate."
PREQUEL: "Goddamned Mohicans Everywhere."
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Tell me more about how depressed you are. Type it into your handheld device containing all the world's knowledge and art.
Alls I'm saying is even if you eat the entire 1lb bag of Milk Duds, the ABSOLUTE MOST you can gain is 1lb. That's just fucking math.
July, 1984. A café in West Berlin. And though he hears the nearby cries of thirst, Kool-Aid Man sits frozen, cursing himself for a coward.
Hello, New Follower with Bible Verse in Bio. This, I imagine, will be a short dance.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
"After a while... Eric." -last line of my alligator/crocodile buddy cop screenplay
I love the end of THE GIVING TREE when the stump is chained and uprooted, showcasing the torque of the completely redesigned 2013 Dodge Ram.
"Some People Are Going to Dislike You & Won't Tell You Why & May Not Even Know Why & That's Okay" isn't a real kid's book but maybe should.
I shouldn't have to tell you that a girl who won't duel you with a plastic cocktail sword is an absolute waste of your time.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: I have set up two gmail accounts, each forwarded to the other. I have no demands. Say goodbye to your precious Internet.
Harry Potter and His Wizard Friends Who Are Just Gonna Keep Letting Africa Starve, I Suppose
Quick reminder that your best platonic guy friend wants to fuck you on the nearest available surface every single second you're together.
I'll make eye contact with the homeless dude clutching a dead opossum before I will the dude working a mall kiosk.
GOD: *scratches beard*
SNAKE: I got this.
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