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90% of being an adult is saying, "I guess I'll stop doing this fun thing so I can be on time for something I hate."
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
PREQUEL: "Goddamned Mohicans Everywhere."
Tell me more about how depressed you are. Type it into your handheld device containing all the world's knowledge and art.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Hello, New Follower with Bible Verse in Bio. This, I imagine, will be a short dance.
Alls I'm saying is even if you eat the entire 1lb bag of Milk Duds, the ABSOLUTE MOST you can gain is 1lb. That's just fucking math.
July, 1984. A café in West Berlin. And though he hears the nearby cries of thirst, Kool-Aid Man sits frozen, cursing himself for a coward.
I love the end of THE GIVING TREE when the stump is chained and uprooted, showcasing the torque of the completely redesigned 2013 Dodge Ram.
"After a while... Eric." -last line of my alligator/crocodile buddy cop screenplay
I'll make eye contact with the homeless dude clutching a dead opossum before I will the dude working a mall kiosk.
PEOPLE OF EARTH: I have set up two gmail accounts, each forwarded to the other. I have no demands. Say goodbye to your precious Internet.
Quick reminder that your best platonic guy friend wants to fuck you on the nearest available surface every single second you're together.
IMAGE: a rhino trots up with a selection of donuts on his horn. u wanted cream-filled but are a good-natured soul & realize his limitations.
I shouldn't have to tell you that a girl who won't duel you with a plastic cocktail sword is an absolute waste of your time.
Harry Potter and His Wizard Friends Who Are Just Gonna Keep Letting Africa Starve, I Suppose
GOD: *scratches beard*
SNAKE: I got this.
Remember when our biggest worry was if someone had given the president a blowjob?
Patient just looked me square in the eye and said, "Fuck Tom Cruise and his invisible ponytail," and you know what? Goddamned right.