@brendlewhat Working on a
guerrilla marketing campaign at my dorm for your book. pic.twitter.com/zp2QnO5jIV

“Okay, let’s see what’s on the agenda for today… “boobs”? What the… JOE!” - Obama getting PUNK’D by the Bidenator

*self-actualizes* fuck yeah, this rules.

people criticizing my "dubstep charizard" face tattoo: please return to facistland and leave me be

dude if you mention the words “spotify offline mode” to a cop legally they have to smile

@conortripler son i may not know what a "goon" is but i'll give you "something awful" if you don't mow the goddamn lawn

HELLO 911. I HAVE AN EMERGENCY. THERE'S A SEXY MAN IN MY MIRROR. NO DON'T HANG UP. PLEASE I- *is eaten by sexy man from the Reflection Zone*

MensHumor is painfully unfunny and misogynistic. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND: nah jk it really sucks.

cut colbert into pieces/this is his last report

time to go to work at the rail factory. OH NO TONY HAWK + HIS EXTREME FRIENDS. POP PUNK IS PLAYING. CAN’T MAKE RAILS WITH ALL THIS GRINDING

@hellocullen Top 30 Epic Halliburton Moments

@boring_as_heck "I've been to the top of the mountain, and I've seen the Personal Brand."

@hamsandcastle Hmm... maybe... he could "react" to some sort of viral phenomenon...?

@hamsandcastle I now only understand humorous references if they are filtered through Condescending Wonka. :(

@kilobees They seriously once included the campaigns to free Mumia Abu-Jamal and Leonard Peltier on a list of "most misguided causes".

@hell_homer  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D03E9kUTTtQ …

@leducviolet What the fuck is this the talk show mafia?

If you like songs about Spoonmen, you should really check out Soundgarden’s “Spoonman” (1994).

@conortripler "Father to a Sister of Thought" by Pavement.

Oops! I forgot to not be an idiot for the first 19 years of my life.