Did you know if you mention Mountain Dew in your suicide note they'll pay for your funeral?

Women sure take it seriously when you say they don't have a sense of humor.

I'm slowly learning I might have a learning disability.

Pot leads to hard drugs like fingering leads to fisting.

The Bible reminds me of that episode of Cheers where Norm invents a boss.

How many times is too many to wink during a job interview?

I'm playing hard to want.

I still eat Big League Chew because I will never stop dreaming.

WHO DO YOU HAVE TO NOT FUCK AROUND HERE TO GET A MISSED CONNECTION?!?!

It's 2012. Where is our flying birth control?!

September 11th wasn't the right time to talk about terrorism.

I've been to bars with @mitchmekulsia innumerable times now and I can tell you he still hasn't found the right Iraq story to close the deal.

Tattoos are a good way to remember what you like.

My sixth sense is entitlement.

You can own as many muskets as you want. The Bill of Rights guarantees our right to own guns, not awesome guns.

At one point my favorite movie was Problem Child 2. What I'm saying is, I should probably never get a tattoo.

If you ask an undercover cop dog if they're an undercover cop dog, by law, they have to bark.

Double? Not even leading a single life.

Before you complain about how fat kids are now, please keep in mind your mom made you play outside because she was fucking.

I'm not gullible enough to believe in myself.