Advantages of insanity: children shut up around you, teens are afraid of you, and women try to fix you

It’s like someone else wrote all my notes-to-self

Women maintain a mental list of everything that has happened in a relationship since the dawn of time…men keep a list of ruined naps

Sent the real wife to bed alone, I need some time with my imaginary wife.

Today seems like a good day to tweet a psychotic break.

Shit my android says…she’ll find it if you hide it there, dumbass

If that's a tweet of the day I'd hate to read the crap of the day.

If you have me over for dinner show me the best escape route right away, otherwise I’m going through every room in your house looking for it

You can hang out with me today provided that you don't mind weeping.

Much like work, I get nothing from this.

I'm only looking for somewhat better than torturous.

I have my family doctor’s phone number saved on my cell phone as “Dealer”, cause really what else do they do.

“I read this study on the internet somewhere and it said…” example of when my nap-listening skill kicks in

She Said, He Thought: “It must be somewhere!” no shit

It’s funny how I can ignore what you think 90% of the time but the rest of the time it defines who I am.

Sending me a “You suck DM” is redundant.

Distilling sadness, writing it down, some kind of novel is happening.

Beer will be drunk and something will be watched.

The time between when my wife says she is ready to leave when she actually is ready is enough for three stiff drinks.

If your tweet contain "GOP" or "CNN" the NO ONE IS READING IT! Fucking christ people...