If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a girl who learns her place.

Mom: What time is it Michael?
Me: Hammer time bitch!

And now I'm grounded.

Ghetto people always name their kids things they can't afford: Mercedes, Pearl, car insurance...

If I'm too lazy to walk I just fall to the ground and start rolling.

Why did the guy who discovered milk play with a cow like that, and also decide it was ok to drink it.

I'm not sure if I want a new phone or 280 lbs. of Sour Patch Kids.

That sounds a bit harsh, I better put a "lol" at the end of it.

I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they ask "Hey what are you doing here?" and I'm just like "Oh you know, hunting elephants"

I want to get a pack of wolves and rob banks with them. It's a good idea because banks don't expect wolves.

Sitting down. In my garage. In the dark. Eating dry wall.

Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep.

I hope being an Eagle Scout will help me get into the Men in Black.

‎Friend: I wasn't that drunk.
Me: Dude, you went up to a tree and shouted 'LOOK AT THIS BROCCOLI!!!'

If you watch Lion King in 3D, is the circle of life now the sphere of life?

I like to think that when I fall asleep, little elves come and finish my homework. And later have sex on it.

A cockroach can survive a month without its head. Thats nothing, a recent president survived 8 years without using his.

If I won $500 million in the lottery I think I'd try to buy New Zealand... and Snooki. And then exile Snooki to New Zealand.

My mom wont let me make waffles anymore because I almost set the waffle maker on fire this morning. I was more of a pancake guy anyways.

I have a dream that one day, chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Woke up with my leg stuck in a kitty condo. I'm not sure what I was doing but no more Swedish medicine for me.