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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a girl who learns her place.
Mom: What time is it Michael?
Me: Hammer time bitch!
And now I'm grounded.
Ghetto people always name their kids things they can't afford: Mercedes, Pearl, car insurance...
If I'm too lazy to walk I just fall to the ground and start rolling.
Why did the guy who discovered milk play with a cow like that, and also decide it was ok to drink it.
I'm not sure if I want a new phone or 280 lbs. of Sour Patch Kids.
That sounds a bit harsh, I better put a "lol" at the end of it.
I hate when people see me at the supermarket and they ask "Hey what are you doing here?" and I'm just like "Oh you know, hunting elephants"
I want to get a pack of wolves and rob banks with them. It's a good idea because banks don't expect wolves.
Sitting down. In my garage. In the dark. Eating dry wall.
Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep.
I hope being an Eagle Scout will help me get into the Men in Black.
Friend: I wasn't that drunk.
Me: Dude, you went up to a tree and shouted 'LOOK AT THIS BROCCOLI!!!'
If you watch Lion King in 3D, is the circle of life now the sphere of life?
I like to think that when I fall asleep, little elves come and finish my homework. And later have sex on it.
A cockroach can survive a month without its head. Thats nothing, a recent president survived 8 years without using his.
If I won $500 million in the lottery I think I'd try to buy New Zealand... and Snooki. And then exile Snooki to New Zealand.
My mom wont let me make waffles anymore because I almost set the waffle maker on fire this morning. I was more of a pancake guy anyways.
I have a dream that one day, chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Woke up with my leg stuck in a kitty condo. I'm not sure what I was doing but no more Swedish medicine for me.
I swim, dive & play water polo. I also eat kittens. The tweets on this account are for entertainment purposes only. They only represent my taste in comedy.