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If my Doctor Who 50th Anniversary song's video gets a bunch of views this week, I'll give out a free remix mp3 of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3PPVnB_veU&feature=share&list=UUD-q1FyETgovu9d95a5PFjQ …
One day I'll be inducted into the bachelor's hall of fame and awarded a trophy wife.
Another thing that I've learned from reading Twitter is that it is going to be very competitive to get a liver transplant in about 10 years.
So, are all Fridays from here on out called Black Friday? I mean, once you go black...
I hope this doesn't sound a bit racist, but I'm pretty disappointed that the Denver Black Arts Festival has nothing to do with witchcraft.
I suppose Monday mornings were a much bigger deal back when Americans actually had jobs.
I've really grown up. I used to want to sleep w/every woman I met. Now I just want to make out with them all & sleep with the crazy ones.
CNN, lead with "spoiler alert." I haven't gotten that far in Game of Thrones to know of a Royal Baby or even that Geoffrey was pregnant.
In all my years of getting morning wood, this is the first one that woke me up trying to sneak out of the house on its own.
I've decided that MY holy high holidays are also this month, National Bourbon Heritage Month. I'm calling it Yum Sipper.
This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for Twitter validating my dislike of Jay Leno, love of bacon, lust for boobs, & passion for dirty jokes.
I'm going to an event with complimentary bourbon tonight. So, in case you never see another tweet from me after today, that's what happened.
I got to use the phrase, "Pardon my vernacular, but are you girls homies?" today, so even though work sucks these days, it wasn't all bad.
I tweeted earlier about wanting steak & blowjobs. It got 9 stars, all from women, proving that women on Twitter are too good to be true.
Thinking of our troops, and how those who serve can't be with their families and loved ones during Shark Week.
For this, my 5,000th tweet, I would like to promote my last album and mention that I'd still like to date your mom. https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/heroes-villains/id639866451 …
My real life friends all thank you, for dealing with my bad jokes, so that they no longer have to.