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Hey girls taking pictures in the bathroom at the mall, I'm peeing in the stall behind you. Don't forget to tag me.
Ways to get off a couch #34: Rolling off onto the floor while making Chewbacca noises.
When homeless people look like they are about to ask you for money, ask THEM first they'll explode from the shock.
I yawned and my dog sneezed in my mouth. I honestly don't know what to do.
Can you people please have more 49 & 99 starred tweets? I'm trying to be a fucking hero over here.
We all have that one slutty friend. And if you don't have one, it's probably you.
When i'm not tweeting...I'm still here...lurking in the shadows...starfucking your tweets.. sorta like a rapist.
"I would eat you first in an apocalypse" is a good pick up line right?
I'm most attractive when I'm playing Mario Bros and yell "muthafucking turtle!...fuck you shitbag!.. that's right bitches get owned!!"
I have a hard time distinguishing blond people from golden retrievers when they're in a car.
Watching cops..I'm pretty sure these criminals would have a much higher chance of outrunning the cops if they pull up their pants.
Just met someone who said they don't like bacon. I poked his shoulder to make sure he was real before I hated him.
I type out so many tweets, I laugh to myself and then delete them because none of you would get my inside jokes with myself.
Can't find the remote to unmute my tv, so I'm just pretending they're all discussing how awesome I am.
Learned whore and bullshit in sign language today. And that's all I will ever need to learn.
Welcome to Florida. Home of people that own fake deers and put them on their yard.
I say "bless you" to my dog all the time when he sneezes & that fucker never says it when I do it.I bless myself extra loud so he feels bad.
I think there's a desperate need for an invention that women can use to write their name with pee in the snow.
The best thing about being a female is that we have natural food catchers.
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