My favorite part of twitter is when you post something sarcastic & someone tries to life coach you as if you meant it.

Why yes, I do enjoy masking my intelligence with vulgarity.

I'm "Relieved my plans got canceled last minute so I can go to bed early." years old.

I've come to learn that those who have received the least amount of love are the ones who have the most to give.

Having feelings is inconvenient.

I bet everyone on twitter had imaginary friends as children. Old habits die hard.

Your tweets smell like cotton candy, whiskey, and rage. I like you.

You guys are way more fun than real people.

If your life is falling apart & you feel stuck, but you still manage to get out of bed every day & do what needs to be done; you are brave.

Twitter is one long open mic night.

Horny, but not DM horny.

Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

At Walmart. I'm not buying anything, I just needed a reminder that there are bigger disasters than me.

If I get bored and/or drunk enough later I'm walking over to the Boy Scout camp dressed as a bear.

You know what would make house cleaning way more fun? A maid.

A woman's legs are only as smooth as how regularly they're getting laid.

My twitter life is much like my high school life; I'm friends with a few of the cool kids but the outcasts are my people.

People don't need you to fix their problems. They just need to know you'll stand beside them while they fight through them.

Relationship status: staring at your avi.

I stubbed my cameltoe.