I piss awesomeness, but it burns a little. Is that normal?

Are pregnancy tests from Dollar General reliable? Asking for a friend.

I keep telling myself that this ice cream is whole grain.

There's nothing like a fine uterus shedding that reminds me I'm still a woman.

You know that white stuff you see in an egg when you crack it open? It's the rooster's business.

Don't steal my office supplies - I've been know to paper cut a bitch.

Remember when we used to have sex? Yeah me either - what I'd say if had a bf.

Seriously how many court shows do we really need? Shit can all be settled with a shotgun

Whooooooooaaaaahhhh! I just broke 100 tonight. Am I a Twitter elite now?

Fuck you, horoscope. FUCK YOU!!!

Happy Smack Your Bitch Up Day!!

Ambien is slurring the thoughts in my head and it's purdy cooool.

sombitch there's a hurricane comin' ..... wanna get chinese food?

Can't wait to get back home and have normal bowel movements. It's like they have stage fright.

I'm an asshole with tits.

If you spoon me I may, or may not, fart on you. Just sayin'

I pretend I'm laying on the beach listening to the waves crash when I run my dishwasher ... splish splash splish splash

I'm spending my Saturday night washing all of my bras.

Fancy a grudge fuck?

When you can't extend an actual olive branch, a piece of Orbitz gum works in a pinch.