When I get unfollowed I just figure that people have a hard time relating to attractive people with a witty sense of humor.

When an attractive girl is with a not-so-attractive man, maybe he doesn't have any money at all. Maybe he just treats her better than you.

Girls who read books are sexy as fuck.

I don't know what's wrong with me & it's too expensive to find out.

When someone says, "Oh. I was just thinking out loud." I like to yell, "That's called talking! Fuck face!"

My cat is totally drinking soda out of my glass and I don't even give a shit 'cause I want her to stay up late with me to write rap songs.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

If I had a gay dragon I would cover his scales in rhinestones then slap his ass and yell, "Fly, gay dragon!" and he would look so beautiful.

I'm 100% sure Zebra's didn't earn those things.

We're all from different countries .. joking, laughing & havin fun with one another. It makes u wonder whats wrong with the people n charge.

I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you ... even you.

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.

It's an awesome feeling knowing there's 50 billion people on Twitter and 5 liked that last thing I said. That's like half, right?

When you ladies aren't home, us guys use your vibrators to mix paint & do manly shit. We also put it to our Adams Apple & make prank calls.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn't listen to the victim. I'd draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, "Is this him."

I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there.

We need to all spread out and get in 25 million groups of 4. I have a super fun game idea.

It's impressive how we all keep finding new ways to say the exact same shit over and over again.

A lot of you lose your shit and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.