GO follow @reverend_scott and @gfgander. They are like illegal drugs you won't go to prison for ingesting. Or maybe you will, I dunno. FF!

@clindsaysway I know. We could have had free lunch!

I put my picture in a "Celebrity Lookalike" photo generator. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL ALL OF YOU!  http://twitpic.com/csf45d 

Spiderman: Bit by spider.
Superman: Has super powers.
Batman: Just REALLY likes bats.

San Fran Tweet-Up! Follow @sftweetup2013 . RSVP Here:  http://tweetvite.com/event/SanFran 

Watch this video. @medisinn is coming!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VtthlO5Jgk …

I'm becoming discontent with the staggering normalcy that is my everyday life. There's change coming. I don't know what, but I can feel it.

Line dancing should only involve cocaine and lots of nudity.

Welcome to Alcoholics ANONYMOUS. We're open to the public. Everyone sees your car outside. Now stand up and tell everyone here your name.

There is a love & passion within this place. The very thing that drew you in. Don't abuse something so wonderful & beautiful. We arent Gods.

It is a PRIVILEGE to have your thoughts shared with the masses. Not your right. Yet you keep killing each other off with jealousy and envy.

You say I primarily retweet "elite" accounts. I say I primarily retweet the good friends I made when we all had 100 followers a year ago.

Twitter hasn't changed for the worst ... we have. We went from appreciative to feeling entitled. Hate the player, not the game .. player.

Fellas, whenever you shake another mans hand, look him in the eye and say, "I could take you." Then smile and say, "... to butthole town."

He joined a social networking site to try to make people laugh ... and every smile received stole a piece of his heart. I bow to you all.

I wish I was a scientist & got paid to release one "no shit" fact every year.

"Recent studies show that giraffes can't fly kites in Texas"

Just got a hold of a 90's Beverly Hills yearbook and Luke Perry was voted "Most likely to resemble an adult human tampon".

It would be weird if all the dolphins in the sea exploded and millions of Leprechauns in scuba gear surfaced.

Stop saying everything and you'll hear the sounds of her anything.

This shit makes no sense but some of you fuckers will think it's deep.

Just watched a super shitty horror movie but a character looked just like my ex-girlfriend & she died so I feel like I can finally move on.

I just saw a bumble bee so goddamn big I thought John Candy was my guardian angel.