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How amazing would it be if President Obama turned around and said, "One more thing" and then revealed the iPhone 5? #DNC
If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to shit yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
Stop saying "11/11/11" only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.
Everyone who claimed God told them to run for President has now dropped out. Either they were all full of shit or God's an asshole.
You can't run a country like a business. If you did, you'd have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that's socialism! Bye!
My favorite drinking game is making it through the day.
If you're willing to have your taxes hurt foreign people, you should be willing to have your taxes help your fellow citizens.
After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Everyday has something beautiful in store for you. Unfortunately, you're at work so you missed it.
Mitt Romney talks about the Constitution the same way a kid writes an essay on a book he skimmed. #debate
Carson Daly's homophobic? Oh man, he's going to freak out when he meets Carson Daly.
Somehow Biden is winning this debate and retroactively the last one. #VPDebate
Mitt Romney looks like the kind of President who would ban mutants.
"Oh, you think sad stories are your ally. But you merely adopted the sad story; I was born in it, moulded by it." - Joe Biden #VPDEbate
Daenerys Targaryen shouts her name more than a rapper.
According to Geraldo Rivera, Michael Cera is America's most dangerous gang member.
Dear Politicians: Get me free healthcare and you can put your dick in whoever the fuck you want.
Is it the season finale of America?
Writer for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Also a comedian. Previously SNL, Nintendo, The Onion, and IGN.