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  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Series finale of my life is gonna be me saying, "No, I know what I'm doing."

    *cut to black*

    • 85
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackJohnMarkowitzangieissotylerthebadwolfbestnatesmithsplitpeaandhamsambrownyclaud__ia
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    angieissoclaud__iamauricio_eddyerosa3SecondChanceHdanmonaghanPoliteHubrisAvatar_unknown_48
    bestnatesmith
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Alright, human vacuums. What will we leech off next to create a sense of purpose in our routine lives?

    • 93
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackJohnMarkowitzBrenderousbestnatesmithtveitprivilegesplitpeaandhamzolofighterladyfox14
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    ColumbusTreyBrenderouszolofighternighthawkishSuperGamerPodMarissaBretonEttyMOlan_Jeagle
    JillMorris
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Imagine George Lucas sitting at a desk and writing Jar Jar's dialogue. Imagine him chucking at his own jokes and whispering, "Still got it."

    • 305
    • FAVS
    lambertweetsJonasPolskyelectrojagXGroverXadamdorseyjakebarkeroibanjiViaCorrado
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    ChrisfromHBSABradMWallacefriendhorseColinZealSEpressdarlingpiotr_panskiKumerishjtyost2
    XGroverX
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

    • 1,606
    • FAVS
    spacitGloriaFallon123JrwmccarthycroninwhocaresjeffvaldezmichaelrocheColumbusTreyNotFunnyJ
    • 1,375
    • RETWEETS
    ColumbusTreyjeffvaldezAlfredoBazalduaJediMasterJamschapel3929jobemeskoWitmerEricNickBossRoss
    OhNoSheTwitntjasonmgood
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I want someone to invite me to a party so I feel included and then the party gets canceled so I can stay home. That's my perfect night.

    • 961
    • FAVS
    jonasjuhlerMacKoolioMiausenPhilippbethtohumansjaredsterbanameisnotknownjamieclarebelldie_4_dethklok_
    • 786
    • RETWEETS
    MacKoolioshanalizzyjessokfineHALFniteStand__WhatevaConcRukaya_Keeyikesdrewcmccall
    Home_Halfway
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    *Throws fabric softener ball into laundry*

    "Soft towels, I CHOOSE YOU!"

    • 115
    • FAVS
    ChrisAbbottIGNMikeRoeBenjaminJSfastagenthelloshmerinAmbEileenariley_foxbestnatesmith
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    EdwardStockwellAmbEileenafriendhorseTEAMHOLT__Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    bestnatesmith
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I don't think I could ever give the birds and the bees talk. I'll just leave some Internet tabs open and let nature take its course.

    • 114
    • FAVS
    calasicheriqwiththeqameo02money_monsonWilberWithAnETheNardvarkthemichaellakeNickiavelli
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    spenceywencymoney_monsonAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    AngryBieber
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    If you put clothes you're gonna wear in the dryer a few minutes before getting dressed it's almost as good as being loved.

    • 563
    • FAVS
    MacKooliovalzhoganEew_itsJessLaBelleMaeRSF788EliHansenMusicDBwiddaDBdsmitty05__
    • 282
    • RETWEETS
    _zazzles_LaBelleMaeRSF788The_KJMPURPLE_HAZE77dsmitty05__HmmmLetsNotFavstar500Favs
    IGotsSmarts
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Worried about the inevitable day I give a callous old white guy response to a tragedy outside of my understanding.

    • 162
    • FAVS
    MoneypennyNakedthulnicolleAndLive2Lovemikeym00nScottLinnenklausfuture__TheNardvarksusie_meister
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoveJoeyaucoinPower_LloydAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    Joeyaucoin
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Remember when Woody Allen dated a young girl in the movie Manhattan and everyone was like, "Weird but okay." Yeah. We blew it as a society.

    • 223
    • FAVS
    MrsJekyllsHydeNickadootweetofclaysblmnl_crmnlcalluptomebriangaarA24Lipglosslesbo
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    calluptomeCogita_ante_salLipglosslesboFavstar500FavsStrayvibesangelakxiadtipsonzachheltzel
    zachheltzel
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I just want to roll a giant pizza over myself and chew my way out like a devil baby.

    • 132
    • FAVS
    GrannyEdnamelindahillLoganNotLoginMoneypennyNakedMisterWarrisaaclubowMayra_Dahernotkevinbarbo
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    MisterWarrViolent2Dope304notkevinbarboVN_RubenQueenMysteyPlaying_DadAintSoNicewhrthebrainrots__
    Playing_Dad
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I love you so much that I want to deprive you of autonomy until the stress of being with me drives you away.

    • 80
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseyLostCatDogblackbeltjonztigersgoroooarletsgetgizzyseptembawestBronxCheer48dulcetry__
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    BronxCheer48dulcetry__catelyntuIIyLeb___RianNewmanSingInTheRinemmmporterneptunemonkey
    MrRyanQuinn
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I wish the announcer from NBA Jam was my Dad.

    • 94
    • FAVS
    AndLive2LovedeceptacleMrNickNomichiamoaliSquirreljusticealexjmannfanofhellswissqueso
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoveswissquesoOhNoSheTwitntMarkRobertMcCueAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    OhNoSheTwitnt
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.

    • 3,413
    • FAVS
    futieton_troyjohnsonfuddlemarkLaScorchakeishadarlingWindyCityRockrlikealumberjackNotTheFakeEvanA
    • 4,596
    • RETWEETS
    futietonmorbidtouristWindyCityRockrlikealumberjackSupahJewrmecheeyarobbdelmanburritojustice
    JasonLastnamerobfee
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    "Excuse me? Yes. Do you carry spackle? I wish to cover a hole in a wall of a building that will one day be demolished so why even bother?"

    • 15
    • FAVS
    LetdownLizzieThusSpokeJoseph__itszizusteve__andrewsGooseCJGarrettc0b0sanJoeRLancasterMattKowalick
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    nadroJnaeSc0b0sana_p_crowleyjancadanco
    toomuchnick
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    There should be a game show called, "Is My Mom Describing a Movie or a Dream She Had?"

    • 74
    • FAVS
    SilleVioPS_IRuddYoujessiegoldmoonsxydangerousgrltayandmaequickpoopercharlzeroeemckh
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    PS_IRuddYoutayandmaezatarekFavstar500FavsawkwardosaurusgenevievericeKronicusPrimeJackclemens1
    donni
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I gotta brush up on my chess. Nobody wants to be the guy playing Death, saying, "The horsey makes an L shape, right?"

    • 43
    • FAVS
    herrlubitschAdamPateman_LarryBobarryJimmyHartnetttnylgnbrian_everestsmickableaway_goals
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    calacaserenadejustin_kanewmegleficenthyperbolladTarnovdjbtvagentbizzlesentientsnorkel
    sentientsnorkel
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Nothing says the dream is dead like a guy with arm tattoos in a business suit.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    lulzsterkamiekaymee__Dianettochav_whitcherpddavidsonadamdorseySheaWhitakerjakebarker
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    corrinbauernegricita
    tnylgn
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to shit yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

    • 1,093
    • FAVS
    teedwgoldengateblondAlienBot4Oliver232323Glynner85Chelsea_ElleBananaKareninaTonyCulpepper
    • 5,641
    • RETWEETS
    arealtravistyNickBossRossMacKooliostefanguimondElleBoynton______sgtpd75ShareefBadmaashLauraJean31
    BassoonJokes
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Let's stop fucking killing each other for five goddamn minutes.

    • 776
    • FAVS
    derekgdevinedom_as_hellJillikinzmitchlecuyerT_BizzleiamthesharkmanmeganbrkHeathRobots
    • 957
    • RETWEETS
    HailToTheChefweevilbaberobcorderopatdoran_faded__epitaphtechnosynthangermonkey51CandaceTX
    SpencerLenox
@MikeDrucker

@MikeDrucker

Writer for the Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon. Also a comedian. Previously Late Night, SNL, Nintendo, The Onion, and IGN.

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