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  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I want someone to invite me to a party so I feel included and then the party gets canceled so I can stay home. That's my perfect night.

    • 960
    • FAVS
    MiausenPhilippbethtohumansjaredsterbanameisnotknownjamieclarebellSirCasioKL7000missingblakesChrisHallbeck
    • 785
    • RETWEETS
    shanalizzyJessicaCasinCatHALFniteStandWhatevaConcRukaya_KeeyikesdrewcmccallJairOPerez194
    Home_Halfway
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    *Throws fabric softener ball into laundry*

    "Soft towels, I CHOOSE YOU!"

    • 115
    • FAVS
    TheChrisAbbottMikeRoeBenjaminJSfastagenthelloshmerinAmbEileenariley_foxbestnatesmith
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    EdwardStockwellAmbEileenafriendhorseTEAMHOLTAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    bestnatesmith
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I don't think I could ever give the birds and the bees talk. I'll just leave some Internet tabs open and let nature take its course.

    • 114
    • FAVS
    calasicheriqwiththeqameo02money_monsonWilberWithAnETheNardvarkthemichaellakeNickiavelli
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    spenceywencymoney_monsonAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    AngryBieber
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    If you put clothes you're gonna wear in the dryer a few minutes before getting dressed it's almost as good as being loved.

    • 562
    • FAVS
    valzhoganEew_itsJessLaBelleMaeRSF788EliHansenMusicDBwiddaDBdsmitty05LHGarrett
    • 281
    • RETWEETS
    _zazzles_LaBelleMaeRSF788The_KJMPURPLE_HAZE77dsmitty05HmmmLetsNotFavstar500Favs
    IGotsSmarts
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Worried about the inevitable day I give a callous old white guy response to a tragedy outside of my understanding.

    • 162
    • FAVS
    _Ms_Moneypenny_thulnicolleAndLive2Lovemikeym00nScottLinnenklausfutureTheNardvarksusie_meister
    • 62
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoveJoeyaucoinPower_LloydAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    Joeyaucoin
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Remember when Woody Allen dated a young girl in the movie Manhattan and everyone was like, "Weird but okay." Yeah. We blew it as a society.

    • 223
    • FAVS
    MrsJekyllsHydeNickadootweetofclaysblmnl_crmnlcalluptomebriangaarA24FilmsLipglosslesbo
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    calluptomeXMeaSententiaLipglosslesboFavstar500FavsStrayvibesangelakxiadtipsonzachheltzel
    zachheltzel
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I just want to roll a giant pizza over myself and chew my way out like a devil baby.

    • 132
    • FAVS
    GrannyEdnamelindahillLoganNotLogin_Ms_Moneypenny_MisterWarrisaaclubowMayra_Dahernotkevinbarbo
    • 72
    • RETWEETS
    MisterWarrViolent2Dope304notkevinbarboVN_RubenLoveAllTheMynlyPlaying_DadAintSoNicewhrthebrainrots__
    Playing_Dad
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I love you so much that I want to deprive you of autonomy until the stress of being with me drives you away.

    • 80
    • FAVS
    CarolineCaseyLostCatDogblackbeltjonztigersgoroooarletsgetgizzyseptembawestBronxCheer48dulcetry
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    BronxCheer48dulcetrycatelyntuIIyLeb___RianNewmanSingInTheRinemmmporterneptunemonkey
    MrRyanQuinn
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I wish the announcer from NBA Jam was my Dad.

    • 94
    • FAVS
    AndLive2LovedeceptacleMrNickNomichiamoaliSquirreljusticealexjmannfanofhellswissqueso
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoveswissquesoOhNoSheTwitntMarkRobertMcCueAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    OhNoSheTwitnt
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.

    • 1,806
    • FAVS
    ASAPBullwinkleSukhjeevanBualbenicus_rexsgtpd75Playing_Dadcalebiniemireecraireeriqwiththeq
    • 3,368
    • RETWEETS
    MunyuPeterShawnHuckabydmroberts1000JasonLastnameIdnaemorajManaliSangoiashleyy_goerrs____ScrofulousColic
    JasonLastnamerobfee
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    "Excuse me? Yes. Do you carry spackle? I wish to cover a hole in a wall of a building that will one day be demolished so why even bother?"

    • 15
    • FAVS
    LetdownLizzieThusSpokeJoseph__itszizusteve__andrewsGooseCJGarrettc0b0sanJoeRLancasterMattKowalick
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    nadroJnaeSc0b0sana_p_crowleyjancadanco
    toomuchnick
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    There should be a game show called, "Is My Mom Describing a Movie or a Dream She Had?"

    • 74
    • FAVS
    SilleVioPS_IRuddYoujessiegoldmoonSarcastioustayandmaequickpoopercharlzeroeemckh
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    PS_IRuddYoutayandmaezatarekFavstar500FavsawkwardosaurusgenevievericeKronicusPrimeJackclemens1
    donni
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I gotta brush up on my chess. Nobody wants to be the guy playing Death, saying, "The horsey makes an L shape, right?"

    • 43
    • FAVS
    herrlubitschAdamPateman_LarryBobarryJimmyHartnetttnylgnbrian_everestsmickableaway_goals
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    calacaserenadejustin_kanewmegleficenthyperbolladTarnovdjbtvagentbizzlesentientsnorkel
    sentientsnorkel
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Nothing says the dream is dead like a guy with arm tattoos in a business suit.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    lulzsterkamiekaymee__Dianettochav_whitcherpddavidsonadamdorseySheaWhitakerjakebarker
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    corrinbauernegricita
    tnylgn
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to shit yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

    • 1,083
    • FAVS
    werehedgehogstefanguimondbenicus_rexDanKCharnleyAngelaEhhJlofarsayssgtpd75Playing_Dad
    • 5,639
    • RETWEETS
    stefanguimondElleBoynton______sgtpd75KedxrLauraJean31JohnnyT2413rattanwhipsam_reginald
    BassoonJokes
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Let's stop fucking killing each other for five goddamn minutes.

    • 688
    • FAVS
    staceyasdfghjklJohnP_Schmidtchrisdinardo1mtthwdvsRohnJossiryantraversAndrewthepigradpepper
    • 943
    • RETWEETS
    TheOnlyZackCrab_ApelkeldempscarynrosetheillkingtigersgoroooarJenniferWillcutstreckasaurus
    SpencerLenox
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I'm so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    whonose9chelseasturtleMattsBigBrotherGbrousseauPortlandiaGirl____wilbs3overheardnerdskrysbeau
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    MattsBigBrotherchelseasturtleunderyourbed666overheardnerdsBen_Morgan_droctopu5jackiebenhayonfavstar1000favs
    cowyfwame
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    On this day 29 years ago my parents forced me into this world. I have not forgotten and I will get my revenge.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    RileyRiddlerStevePomar_naturaldi________aboyRobCabetoMejiaSCbchbumbleustreakMrToleton
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    GrandLatinaFavstar500FavsMamalukaPRKeyshor3DaddyJewAndLive2LoveAlex_zf
    cowyfwame
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    I hope your Valentine got you everything they were socially obligated to.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    joshbrodeylikoverdmccarthy7TravisTurnerIImyles_morrisonnataliejmooneyBrandonEsWolfyoucancallmesim
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    masschrysteriamitchkuhmanGregK7turnageb
    myles_morrison
  • MikeDrucker
      Mike Drucker @MikeDrucker

    Rich people love ruining paintings by putting eye holes in them.

    • 73
    • FAVS
    derbyjamesSashaBrennerYWIRllvvzzSaraThomas84nikhimselfsococoke_LarryBobarry
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    RachelvsPublic____scottotdJerryThomasRichNevilleCharlesRhinedropkickchester__lkuttruffAvatar_unknown_48
    JerryThomas
@MikeDrucker

@MikeDrucker

Writer for the Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon. Also a comedian. Previously Late Night, SNL, Nintendo, The Onion, and IGN.

Tweets from @MikeDrucker most recently awarded Tweet of the Day by Pro Members.