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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[takes out pinewood derby car]
"You kids wanna see a dead hobby?"
Woman outside keeps yelling, "Really, Anthony?" Fucking Anthony cannot get his shit together, man. I just know it.
Shout out to Canada for giving Americans a country to pretend they're from when traveling abroad.
Why did the chicken press next in power point?
To get to the other slide.
Series finale of my life is gonna be me saying, "No, I know what I'm doing."
*cut to black*
Alright, human vacuums. What will we leech off next to create a sense of purpose in our routine lives?
Imagine George Lucas sitting at a desk and writing Jar Jar's dialogue. Imagine him chucking at his own jokes and whispering, "Still got it."
I want someone to invite me to a party so I feel included and then the party gets canceled so I can stay home. That's my perfect night.
*Throws fabric softener ball into laundry*
"Soft towels, I CHOOSE YOU!"
I don't think I could ever give the birds and the bees talk. I'll just leave some Internet tabs open and let nature take its course.
If you put clothes you're gonna wear in the dryer a few minutes before getting dressed it's almost as good as being loved.
Worried about the inevitable day I give a callous old white guy response to a tragedy outside of my understanding.
Remember when Woody Allen dated a young girl in the movie Manhattan and everyone was like, "Weird but okay." Yeah. We blew it as a society.
I just want to roll a giant pizza over myself and chew my way out like a devil baby.
I love you so much that I want to deprive you of autonomy until the stress of being with me drives you away.
I wish the announcer from NBA Jam was my Dad.
After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.
"Excuse me? Yes. Do you carry spackle? I wish to cover a hole in a wall of a building that will one day be demolished so why even bother?"
There should be a game show called, "Is My Mom Describing a Movie or a Dream She Had?"
Writer for the Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon. Co-host of How To Be a Person. Also a comedian. Previously Late Night, SNL, Nintendo, The Onion, and IGN.
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