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I want someone to invite me to a party so I feel included and then the party gets canceled so I can stay home. That's my perfect night.
*Throws fabric softener ball into laundry*
"Soft towels, I CHOOSE YOU!"
I don't think I could ever give the birds and the bees talk. I'll just leave some Internet tabs open and let nature take its course.
If you put clothes you're gonna wear in the dryer a few minutes before getting dressed it's almost as good as being loved.
Worried about the inevitable day I give a callous old white guy response to a tragedy outside of my understanding.
Remember when Woody Allen dated a young girl in the movie Manhattan and everyone was like, "Weird but okay." Yeah. We blew it as a society.
I just want to roll a giant pizza over myself and chew my way out like a devil baby.
I love you so much that I want to deprive you of autonomy until the stress of being with me drives you away.
I wish the announcer from NBA Jam was my Dad.
After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.
"Excuse me? Yes. Do you carry spackle? I wish to cover a hole in a wall of a building that will one day be demolished so why even bother?"
There should be a game show called, "Is My Mom Describing a Movie or a Dream She Had?"
I gotta brush up on my chess. Nobody wants to be the guy playing Death, saying, "The horsey makes an L shape, right?"
Nothing says the dream is dead like a guy with arm tattoos in a business suit.
If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to shit yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
Let's stop fucking killing each other for five goddamn minutes.
I'm so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.
On this day 29 years ago my parents forced me into this world. I have not forgotten and I will get my revenge.
I hope your Valentine got you everything they were socially obligated to.
Rich people love ruining paintings by putting eye holes in them.
Writer for the Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon. Also a comedian. Previously Late Night, SNL, Nintendo, The Onion, and IGN.
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