Oral sex is just too risky. Get it in writing.

Don't judge people just because you are better than them.

I really don't care if you have a nice day. Just don't go on a killing spree and we're cool.

Seems like dogs are playing a lot less poker than they did in the 70's.

Did everything right. Ate food off her plate. Corrected her grammar. Told her my pet name for my penis is Richard Petty. I think she's gay.

Whatever, people who always know what day of the week it is.

That I follow 494 and have 119 followers doesn't automatically mean my favorite show is The Biggest Loser. That's like a coincidence man.

I get 'elevators' and 'escalators' mixed up. I think escalators have the steps and elevators are the ones you fart in when they're full.

I want a woman that isn't superficial. With dark hair and a nice rack.

But I don't WANNA be a Walmart greeter forever. - guys named Gordon

If you think my last tweet was bad, wait till my next one. It's really going to suck.

Everyone needs that special someone to make them feel whole. And a set of those yellow corn holders.

So many of the women on twitter are out of my league. They're in the "I'll pay you $25 just to slap me on the face in a public bar" league.

You know your Mom had too much to drink at the game when she executes a citizens arrests on the Zamboni driver for not using proper signals.

A woman should carry a purse big enough to carry enough stuff to assure that she can never find a specific thing at any given time.

WTF does "I don't take no flack" even mean? What is flack? And if no one takes it, where are we supposed to bring it if we do find some?

Damn! Did I miss out on that whole "dress up like Spiderman for a free bacon burger" thingy?

Twitter isn't a contest. No one is keeping score. (I'm winning 643 to 497)

In jail, you should always find the biggest, toughest guy and beat him to a pulp. This also works when jostling for a number at the DMV.

My favorite movie about Canadians is Fargo.