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Twitter is where you tell everyone about how bad your life sucks. Facebook is where you prove it.
My hair is so thin, I get nervous around 40 watt light bulbs.
No matter how bad your day is, just remember: Sam never made it home on Quantum Leap.
RIP Smokin Joe Frazier. In a time of absolute racism and hatred, you beat the SHIT out of white people for money. Thank you for everything.
#VaginaNames The Sperminator
If the Westboro Baptist Church had half the balls they act like they have, they'd picket Muslim funerals in Black, city neighborhoods.
I got in an argument with a midget today about politics. He was a conservative and no matter what I said, we just couldn't see eye to eye.
When I hear a radio ad from a defense contractor that says they supply "War Fighters", and don't say "Soldier", I know they mean Mercenary.
Look here Spanish dude, I'll stop saying Soccer the minute you stop over-annunciating the names of South American countries. #Uruguay
I just threw a curly fry right into my Boston Terrier Jackson's agape mouth and now he is looking at me like I saved his life.
Everyday I'm Rufflin' - Employee at a Lays Chips Factory
America's Got Diabetes! #RealityShowPitch
At this point, I'm afraid I'll be driven insane, yelling at the illusion we call life, wondering why other people can't see it.
Weird, porn-oriented text messaging is the middle-aged man's Twitter.
Let's all ignore the dude in the moving car, alarm blaring, full-blown look of terror on his face. Seems legit.
Looked up at my phone, saw that 100+ American Soldiers entered an African Nation to fight a vague threat. Made no notice. 2011>1984
I'm not the man I was 10 years ago. By that, I mean I've had sex at least once.
The trending topics at this moment on twitter prove to me that the internet is run by hordes of dumb teenagers.
Ever fuck someone so skeezy you get an AIDS test every year after that, even though after 7 years, there's no way? No? Ok. Me neither.
Now with less brine! http://t.co/lqzEJlKex0 http://t.co/Um5g5iuj1B