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  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    You know what's funny? paintings of adam & eve where they both have belly buttons. think about that, take as much time as you need

    • 1,987
    • FAVS
    tylersorrellsstylingperthKoallazSupahJewaniketmalpaniCrudeRudyPriscilaMercuryThatDamnKitty
    • 1,802
    • RETWEETS
    VodkaShorebirddebsg71shrey_foobarfightingpantsPerthBreakfastmikeymaynardvarchas44Tinkerbell_
    JustLikeMikeeSoSofieFatalebulls_horns______Erik_AllenSashaBrennerllvvzzImaFlyontheWallGetbentLAJuiceticlesazbadobennybootletsdancebitchsHerPinkRibbonsButtonsPusher____KatarinaKrizTwatyTweetsPlatinumShower____mikeymileosklusterfunk______Karimi______________awkwrdlywrded____vaporcoffinlorlorlori________urbanprojectzKyle_LippertGSouderkennyhcomedyrudym55NowAPiscesDiasporaBK24_7jokes________
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    my package needs stimulus

    • 686
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerBhaduSharvansiempredelilahELeslieAMLJakeLewis043ImKillinYouEdFlint2Kimgee8
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    Kimgee8onume_Shwento__Wathiary_THEDUTHCHESSmayavincentAndLive2Lovejnrbtsn__________
    trialfemme
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    Bragging about your twitter success in real life is like telling people you found a treasure map

    • 547
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22BhaduSharvansiempredelilahELeslieAMLknittgirlKimGraulKimgee8Ideal_Victoria
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    siempredelilahEKimgee8onume_Shwento__Wathiary_diewithscarsTHEDUTHCHESSLauraDurzi
    ddscrapRealJimmySnow____
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    "last xmas you gave me your heart, but the very next day you found out i was gay" that's what george michael really meant to say

    • 565
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriaNotaFunnyLadyDr0p0fGoldenSun__MacKoolioshutupheavLBelle1
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    robwalton30peter_finsterdwweeecunt_tagiousTHEDUTHCHESSangelamweberTrigg3rHippiec0micb00kcrush
    ElephartHormonella
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    i am a twitter superstar, i can't follow more than 100 people, i dont have to read your tweets, but keep starring mine, because i'm special

    • 557
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerdocjommdMiniwheats2012quiziep8jazz101dwzdHumor_Fetishclose_cKimgee8
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    quiziep8jazz101dwzdEmeLyyy14close_cPmaniac09MrTravCarterKimgee8DukeOfOyl________
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    every now and then i DM my bot followers, and tell them about my problems, they don't answer back, but i know in my heart, they care

    • 542
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22StephenBCramerNerudaearthjensen1230whineywhiskydwzdHumor_Fetishclose_c
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    Nerudaearthdwzdclose_cKimgee8MarkMazznaughtygeisha3taitutuAustralaJake
    DctorFun
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    If George Carlin were alive today and had a twitter account, he would completely kick our collective asses

    • 452
    • FAVS
    elisa212007peckishlyHeyZeus666Whoopdeedoo22Ideal_VictoriaNotaFunnyLadyDr0p0fGoldenSun__LBelle1
    • 117
    • RETWEETS
    madmaxrerisenNotaFunnyLadyLMHPhotogangelamweberAronMorrislippythelion69SwarleyQuinnCuntyCatKnight
    VoiceofgarthbfriendStephenBCramer
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    Dane Cook's success, makes about as much sense as a neo-Nazi sticking it to the Jews by swearing off pork for life.

    • 517
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriaLBelle1THEDUTHCHESSDrBoozenitnaughtygeisha3plainsilktiePurpell_Nurpell__
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    angelamweberBarbz88FGsPlayThingHurly_BurlyJillbethm________AwhDiddyTweetsshanetheveinfavstar1000favs
    llvvzzTequilaTears
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    my tweets aren't for everyone, it takes a special kind of asshole to like them

    • 426
    • FAVS
    broleary1jhustmidisaronno4meTinnaaFaceeeKala_soormaPreci5elyKimgee8chigby
    • 97
    • RETWEETS
    broleary1KrisJ1321________SlimKardashianItsTheJavYoNIKKIDIAMONDS80andy_nyikaKimgee8angelamweber
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, you're getting stabbed

    • 398
    • FAVS
    Jn1ferDadandBuriedmiss_saucytartthulnicolleJjkinky49Jeffcrackermushladyfiredancersmartypeach
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    Jn1ferItsRaichurathulnicolleladyfiredancermadmaxrerisenangelamwebersmartypeachDr0p0fGoldenSun__
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    theres nuthin more awkward, than running into ur boss, at a whorehouse, on the day, you both called out Sick

    • 448
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriaNotaFunnyLadyLBelle1DrBoozenitmayavincentminer333naughtygeisha3
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    angelamweberminer333naughtygeisha3Trigg3rHippieFGsPlayThingR15S5madmaxrerisenTMRoja
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    there's nothing wrong with watching porn, it's an act of love between a man and a woman and another man and another man and another man

    • 438
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriaNotaFunnyLadyDrBoozenitmayavincentBlondAmbitionTOHollywoodCrabnaughtygeisha3
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    angelamweberHuajatollaChicNotaFunnyLadyAngHend____naughtygeisha3punketterockerryerywtrjrthytr__babobin
    designersaysDadNeedsADrink
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    i once did a stand up gig at a mental institution, everyone laughed hysterically
    except for this one guy, it turns out he was cured

    • 414
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriaNotaFunnyLadyDrBoozenitplainsilktieSassyMcMelons__xGingerAvengerryerywtrjrthytr__
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    angelamweberralphlehmann1Grind_n_Roll_LUMPFGsPlayThingImaFlyontheWalldsdubyMissfreckles2
    Katyinprogress____
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    tweeting filthy jokes for stars is the twitter equivalent to sucking dicks for crack

    • 396
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramergreggoodman77hstweetheartIdeal_VictoriaDrBoozenitplainsilktieSassyMcMelons__xGingerAvenger
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    angelamweberTrigg3rHippieWGeaslinBarbz88FGsPlayThingR15S5Jawza2madmaxrerisen
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    Why are hardened criminals allowed to lift weights in prison to get stronger and more menacing? give them a ping pong table or valiums

    • 367
    • FAVS
    BroIiftgreggoodman77hstweetheartIdeal_VictoriaNotaFunnyLadyDrBoozenitplainsilktieSassyMcMelons__
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    tylersorrellsVodkaShorebirdangelamweberTrigg3rHippieteacup_giraffe____Nursegrrl8Puddinlove1kevnasto
    gotmyhairdidrockraproll______
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    when i die, i don't think i wanna be cremated or buried, Taxidermy sounds fucking awesome

    • 373
    • FAVS
    StephenBCrameredbritondell0717GentlyTemperedOld_Buddy_BoyIdeal_VictoriaMystique1975LindaInDisguise
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    angelamweberGentlyTemperedIdeal_VictoriadelightphilGrind_n_RollTrigg3rHippieStillJessLSFGsPlayThing
    vivalacrap
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    all the money Wiley Coyote spent on ordering gadgets from Acme, he could've been eating at red lobster and banging hookers left and right

    • 355
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriaRoBaumeister______miss_saucytartNotaFunnyLadyDrBoozenitAmeiamSassyMcMelons__
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    HuajatollaChicNotaFunnyLadyTheDutchess_x3kevnastoLindaInDisguiseFGsPlayThingTheDairylandDonNodine13__________
    AgamemNOMNOM
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    some of these twitter prima donnas, need to be reminded that this is only twitter and not hollywood

    • 361
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriaLindaInDisguiseDrBoozenitAmeiamSassyMcMelons__ryerywtrjrthytr__LauraDurzi
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    FGsPlayThingSolelyBShazzaLMletsdancebitchsSpiderogerFlirtyLana________JustSusan13______EdithMacrotch
    sherriva__________
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    Homo Erectus is the Scientific Term for "a gay guy with a boner". am i right people?

    • 351
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriashutupheavDrBoozenitSassyMcMelons__xGingerAvengerLauraDurziangelamweber
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    ralphlehmann1FGsPlayThingjonwarkJoniffcharlzeroTwobit333kevnastoKevinDeanGander
  • MikeSchism
      Mike Schism @MikeSchism

    they really need to sell Snuggies with dickholes in them

    • 336
    • FAVS
    StephenBCramerIdeal_VictoriaDrBoozenitmayavincentSassyMcMelons__xGingerAvengerLauraDurziangelamweber
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    DarkEvilKingPuddinlove1kevnastoFGsPlayThingR15S57palmsambs_m019ImaFlyontheWall
@MikeSchism

@MikeSchism

People think i'm self centered, but I'm more like off centered. (don't follow if you're easily offended) Asthmatic Comic