You know what's funny? paintings of adam & eve where they both have belly buttons. think about that, take as much time as you need

my package needs stimulus

Bragging about your twitter success in real life is like telling people you found a treasure map

"last xmas you gave me your heart, but the very next day you found out i was gay" that's what george michael really meant to say

i am a twitter superstar, i can't follow more than 100 people, i dont have to read your tweets, but keep starring mine, because i'm special

every now and then i DM my bot followers, and tell them about my problems, they don't answer back, but i know in my heart, they care

If George Carlin were alive today and had a twitter account, he would completely kick our collective asses

Dane Cook's success, makes about as much sense as a neo-Nazi sticking it to the Jews by swearing off pork for life.

my tweets aren't for everyone, it takes a special kind of asshole to like them

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, you're getting stabbed

theres nuthin more awkward, than running into ur boss, at a whorehouse, on the day, you both called out Sick

there's nothing wrong with watching porn, it's an act of love between a man and a woman and another man and another man and another man

i once did a stand up gig at a mental institution, everyone laughed hysterically
except for this one guy, it turns out he was cured

tweeting filthy jokes for stars is the twitter equivalent to sucking dicks for crack

Why are hardened criminals allowed to lift weights in prison to get stronger and more menacing? give them a ping pong table or valiums

when i die, i don't think i wanna be cremated or buried, Taxidermy sounds fucking awesome

some of these twitter prima donnas, need to be reminded that this is only twitter and not hollywood

all the money Wiley Coyote spent on ordering gadgets from Acme, he could've been eating at red lobster and banging hookers left and right

Homo Erectus is the Scientific Term for "a gay guy with a boner". am i right people?

they really need to sell Snuggies with dickholes in them