It's called of jury of peers because everybody pees.

Nicki Minaj is what happens when the 80's has sex with a coffee table.

I do my hardest thinking when I'm trying to figure out why I walked into a room.

I foresee your Coroner's Report listing cause of death as "Failure to shut the fuck up"

I'm old enough to remember when "America's Got Talent" was "The Gong Show"

Crime doesn't pay.
Having kids doesn't pay.
Therefore kids are criminals.

Happy Mothers Day Octomom

Can't wait until I'm old so I can spend 15 minutes planning to get out of a chair.

Remember when Eminem and Moby hated each other and then Eminem punched Triumph the Insult Comic Dog wow my early twenties were drugs

Let's analyze each others tweets and then make out

If it’s dry as a bone, you'd be sucking it wrong.

Pony rides, but with the horses of the apocalypse.

Nothing is more awkward than people at a tweet-up saying their handles aloud.

The bird is the word and I like that word.

It's not where we were that counts but where we are going.

Someone else’s story made me see myself in their words.

I've got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one; because, I dunno -- female dogs aren't attracted to black guys?

It’s just adorable, the way real life people just leave their phones on the tables and stuff when they’re out in public

Ugh, REGULAR Law & Order?

I realized my potential a long time ago. Haven't done anything about it, but I realized it exists.