Paint "kindness" on a chainsaw and go to town.

Wishing it was summer so I could shoot a flamethrower into a field of daisies.

Making jokes about innocent people losing their lives lets us know exactly what you are, a piece of shit.

You can lead a whore to water, but you can't get her to accept a check.

I don't bait my mousetraps with cheese because those things are really painful, and when it comes to cheese, I have zero willpower.

This guy with a Romney bumper sticker next to a confederate flag is on a pretty solid losing streak.

If I didn't follow you back, it's because you didn't say anything stupid to get my attention.

I feel guilty that I can do things that other people can't.

Like collect a paycheck.

I'm the kinda girl that's so tired all the time that I'll sleep with your boyfriend and actually just sleep the whole time.

Thanks for your help, fortune cookie.

Already set the clock ahead an hour here at the office, so I get to go home early today.

Imagine being 13 and finding your mom & dad on twitter under the handles DickMaestro & FuckPirate, respectively.

Sometimes I say fuck it and stop caring about the things that really bother me...like the correct spelling of February.

Go home feelings, you're drunk.

If we could harness the power of sexual frustration, twitter would solve the world energy crisis.

Whores have schlong faces.

Ever feel like taking 15 sleeping pills, chugging bottle of vodka and lighting your house on fire?

Just me?

Marriage Tip: Just say no.

Well at least I only landed my ass in jail on twitter today.

I sent each of you a dead raccoon for Valentine's Day. Enjoy.