@birbigs Knowing the Grammys, they'd probably give it to Jeff Dunham.

I bet whenever Jack The Ripper stumbled his friends said "more like Jack The Tripper!" and everyone had a good laugh.

Today I saw a girl walking down the street, sobbing, while wearing a 'Keep calm and carry on' shirt.

What if @mountain_goats played The @chrisgethard Show? That would be really cool.

@jenkirkman I'm embarrassed because of every guy that's tweets to you.

@kaseyanderson @alisonagosti For some reason, I really enjoy you two talking about flushing this tiny cat named Picklepops down the toilet.

Oh, fuck off. RT @danecook Girls suck at Vine.

This is a pretty good picture I took of @julieklausner, @garythasquirrel, and Gene Simmons (aka @jonwurster)  http://instagr.am/p/Q7h0H8MN47/ 

Can Sarah Palin see Pussy Riot from her house?

#FF @scharpling & @jonwurster. They are funnier than everyone else.

Making your twitter private is like putting a handful of diarrhea in a safe and only showing it to certain people.

You think Mike will hook me up with his shrimp connect? #APMikeNight #BestShowWFMU

Earth, Wind, and Pacifier #babybands

Hey, @chuckwoolery. @scharpling says hi, you wad.

"It's raining, men." -General Patton

Sincere tweet: My best real life friend @_timg_ graduates NJIT today. They gave him a medal for being smart. Congratulations!

Fuck you. RT @orbthehorse No. "Mikey Roberts" is a funny name. RT @mikey_roberts: Orb is a funny name.

Just listened to 3/4ths of what I thought was a Ty Segall album before I realized it was actually Skrillex. Dammit. I'm such a shithead.

Not cool. RT @kfc alone on Valentine's Day? Why not eat a whole bucket of chicken while you cry, you stupid fatty.

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