I celebrate Cinco De Mayo by ordering my Taco Bell in a broken Spanish accent & saying "bless you mijo" to the cashier.

If you're about to have sex with a woman, dont watch her eat taco bell drunk at 4am.

#justsayin

I love the fourth of July. It's the only day that wearing my captain america speedo is absolutely appropriate.

Bought a tin trash can today and set it on the curb.

Patiently waiting and hoping Oscar will come home soon.

Sometimes I wonder what you would sound like waking up next to me in the morning.

My hand is itching.

That means someone is masturbating about me right?

Isn't that how that works?

NCAA tournament starts in a few hours & I'm still waiting for Biff to come back with that damn almanac.

Due to particular chemicals at work I have begun to lather my hands with lotion & wear latex gloves. This takes the stranger to a new level.

I envision that hitting the 100 followers mark is like completing the Boston Marathon as in no one gives a fuck but yourself.

Why didn't someone tell me that trying to make my own Voltron with the neighborhood animals was against the law?

Baseball player.

FBI agent.

Kung Fu champion.

Cindy Crawfords boyfriend.

-things I planned to be when I grew up.

If 'knowing is half the battle'

Why isn't Bo Jackson president?

#justsayin

There is a group of fluent english speaking landscapers in my yard. Yes I am scared.

Last night I discovered an oatmeal cookie ice cream.

Let's just say that if I become fat, y'all know why.

I havent gained any followers in awhile. Guess it's time to reenact my favorite scene from Thelma & Louise. You guessed it. The rape part.

My neighbors may be born again Christians but I'm a born again asshole.

Let's see who wins.

Just watched 'The Kings Speech' & I gotta say that guy was a bu bu bu bitch.

Oh whiskey.

How much reflection comes with thee.

Damn. lost 3 followers.

Now i know how David Koresh felt.

Watching my followers list go down is my version of 99 bottles of beer on the wall. 96 more to go.