My wife wanted sex "like in the Movies" so I stick it in her ass. I found out real quick, we watch different types of movies.

The difference between Pussy and a piece of Toast, is I will eat the crust on the toast.

Wife: Dr said no sex for a week. Me: What did the dentist say?

Getting Married for sex is like buying a 747 for the peanuts.

I always thought the string was on Tampons so I could floss after I eat.

Fat chicks need lovin' too. . . . . . They just have to pay for it.

Why do schools give out participation ribbons? Life has never given me shit for participating.

Before there was T.V. People must have spent lots of time on the internet.

Me: here is an Aspirin, Wife: I don't have a headache, Me: Let's Fuck.

I hate it when I am told "that is not attractive". If I was trying to be attractive I would take off my pants.

I just finished the doing the dishes. I better get a BJ tonight!

Why is it so Gross to catch someone picking their nose, but completely normal for me to pick mine?

I don't mind eating bald pussy, but I hate the taste of the Pampers

I am not much, but I am all I think about.

I take my dog out to meet women. Not because he is cute, but because he can tell me which ones are on their rag.

Where was this warning 2 weeks ago? http://t.co/lxVIDc8d

I hit on pregnant chicks cuz I know they put out.

I am so far behind, I think I am in first.

Yes. That is right. I LIKE NIPPLES.

A man walks into a bar with a Monkey. I forgot the rest of the joke, but your Mom is a whore!