A girl told me she thinks she has a ghost. I told her she might just have a Mental illness. She got so mad. She must really hate #science.

I'm so tired of this guy's bullshit. “@donni: Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.”

"What's with these cloth, KFC condoms?"

"Those are wet naps"

I'm currently eating week old Chinese food. And by week I mean month, and by Chinese I mean im not sure what this is.

The differences between a Q-Tip and a toothpick are few, but incredibly important.

If @danawhite and @ufc have their finger on the pulse of MMA in #Winnipeg they’d definitely have @joedoerksen77 on the card.
#hometownhero

The difference between pizza and sex is that pizza leftovers provide a delicious late night snack, and sex leftovers provide horrible shame.

I miss the days when the Sugar Crisp bear taught kids that it was OK to steal things, as long as you 'couldn't get enough' of them.

The case of the undrunken vodka = solved.

If someone gives you the opportunity to witness the miracle of childbirth, my advice to you is: Always fucking pass.

Anyone have any birds I can borrow? Don't ask why. I hate when people ask why.

Forget your costume? Self mutilation is a cheap and easy way to become the star of the party!

Aww yeah, I got no cavities. Now that's what I'm talking about.

Also, anal sex.

Really looking forward to the new James Bond movie, "Always is Forever"

Determination: Trying to cut off your whole head with a hacksaw before you die.

Cleaning time, for the Stickman Stories.

http://t.co/RTgPg2f

May god have mercy on their souls.

Is it just me, or do I say "is it just me" a lot?

Have you ever wanted to have sex in a wading pool filled with thick oatmeal? Yeah, me neither.

Pretty much anything insulting I say to @theseanbrewster he'll either favorite or RT. I think he's onto me.

#ff @omgwtfever if you like boring-ass golf jokes.