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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
"I will be your hero" He said unto the people. - Iglesias 4:16
I would love to go to a shooting range where the targets are just transcripts of conversations I've ended poorly
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.
I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said since you uttered "I seen" instead of "I saw."
who else is up and DTF? (depressed/tired/fat)
I feel offended when men hit on me but also when they don't. If you are a male reading this, I am offended.
Choked on my drink laughing at my own shitty joke. This is how I'm going to die, I just know it.
"MMILF" - Oedipus
My right breast's name is Garfunkel because it's twice the size of the other but gets less exposure
In the time I've spent trying to find an Instagram filter that best disguises my weight gain I could have completed a workout.
"you're weird" - boring person
gained a lot of wisdom & weight this year
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
"You're gonna feel indifferent towards the way you look. I guarantee it." - Honest Men's Wearhouse
IMHO = I Miss Hall & Oates
"hello darkness my old friend""i have a name you racist prick."
if someone unfollows you, don't worry. it just means it's personal and they hate everything that you stand for.
I wish my days started like an 80's feel good movie. Saxophone music playing as my name appears in neon cursive writing.
I was really sad until someone said "cheer up" and now I feel amazing
I share a birthday and incompetence behind the wheel with Billy Joel.