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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
A neurologist, a lawyer and a dentist walk into a bar. It's probably a fancy bar those jobs pay well. I forget the joke but good for them.
Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
"I will be your hero" He said unto the people. - Iglesias 4:16
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I'll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
One time a college girl failed to pose with her hand on her hip in a photo and actually lost her scholarship. I wouldn't risk it.
I would love to go to a shooting range where the targets are just transcripts of conversations I've ended poorly
Why is there no box for "revenge" under weight loss goals
slip out the back, jack. make a new plan, stan. i want a divorce, tom. yes i said divorce, tom. it doesn't have to rhyme you always do this
Pizza's like sex. Even when it's good, you're still fat.
who else is up and DTF? (depressed/tired/fat)
woody allen: you up?
woody allen: wanna make love?
woody allen: sure? what are we agreeing on a carpool? "sure" she says
I live in constant fear of being asked to do basic math.
imagine hating yourself so much you protest the personal lives of others that affect you in no way
My right breast's name is Garfunkel because it's twice the size of the other but gets less exposure
it hurts my feelings when people are younger than me
I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said since you uttered "I seen" instead of "I saw."
writer and performer in between medications
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