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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
"I will be your hero" He said unto the people. - Iglesias 4:16
I would love to go to a shooting range where the targets are just transcripts of conversations I've ended poorly
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.
I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said since you uttered "I seen" instead of "I saw."
who else is up and DTF? (depressed/tired/fat)
I feel offended when men hit on me but also when they don't. If you are a male reading this, I am offended.
"Hey, Hall?" "Yeah, Oates"
"You up?" "Yes, Oates"
"Was thinking about how your name is first and all and..." "Not this again"
"MMILF" - Oedipus
Canada: the only place people threaten to move to
My right breast's name is Garfunkel because it's twice the size of the other but gets less exposure
Choked on my drink laughing at my own shitty joke. This is how I'm going to die, I just know it.
"you're weird" - boring person
How did I meet my husband? He commented "r u DTF?" under an Instagram photo and the rest was history.
In the time I've spent trying to find an Instagram filter that best disguises my weight gain I could have completed a workout.
I'm sorry, your photo is confusing. You're gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what's going on here.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
gained a lot of wisdom & weight this year
"You're gonna feel indifferent towards the way you look. I guarantee it." - Honest Men's Wearhouse
IMHO = I Miss Hall & Oates
I share a birthday and incompetence behind the wheel with Billy Joel