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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
A neurologist, a lawyer and a dentist walk into a bar. It's probably a fancy bar those jobs pay well. I forget the joke but good for them.
"I will be your hero" He said unto the people. - Iglesias 4:16
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.
One time a college girl failed to pose with her hand on her hip in a photo and actually lost her scholarship. I wouldn't risk it.
Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
I would love to go to a shooting range where the targets are just transcripts of conversations I've ended poorly
Pizza's like sex. Even when it's good, you're still fat.
who else is up and DTF? (depressed/tired/fat)
I live in constant fear of being asked to do basic math.
woody allen: you up?
woody allen: wanna make love?
woody allen: sure? what are we agreeing on a carpool? "sure" she says
My right breast's name is Garfunkel because it's twice the size of the other but gets less exposure
I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said since you uttered "I seen" instead of "I saw."
I feel offended when men hit on me but also when they don't. If you are a male reading this, I am offended.
gotta look up from your phone, man. life is so short. I have such depth and understanding of the world. - sent from my iPhone
if your heart is breaking just remember if that were actually happening there would be blood everywhere & you'd die. you're alive, congrats.
slip out the back, jack. make a new plan, stan. i want a divorce, tom. yes i said divorce, tom. it doesn't have to rhyme you always do this
therapy should be free and mandatory
me: I'm on the list
restaurant host: I don't see your name
me: *places top hat on head*
restaurant: mr. mayor, my sincerest apologies
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