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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
A neurologist, a lawyer and a dentist walk into a bar. It's probably a fancy bar those jobs pay well. I forget the joke but good for them.
Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
"I will be your hero" He said unto the people. - Iglesias 4:16
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.
One time a college girl failed to pose with her hand on her hip in a photo and actually lost her scholarship. I wouldn't risk it.
I would love to go to a shooting range where the targets are just transcripts of conversations I've ended poorly
slip out the back, jack. make a new plan, stan. i want a divorce, tom. yes i said divorce, tom. it doesn't have to rhyme you always do this
Pizza's like sex. Even when it's good, you're still fat.
who else is up and DTF? (depressed/tired/fat)
I live in constant fear of being asked to do basic math.
woody allen: you up?
woody allen: wanna make love?
woody allen: sure? what are we agreeing on a carpool? "sure" she says
My right breast's name is Garfunkel because it's twice the size of the other but gets less exposure
it hurts my feelings when people are younger than me
I'm sorry, I haven't heard a word you've said since you uttered "I seen" instead of "I saw."
I feel offended when men hit on me but also when they don't. If you are a male reading this, I am offended.
gotta look up from your phone, man. life is so short. I have such depth and understanding of the world. - sent from my iPhone
if your heart is breaking just remember if that were actually happening there would be blood everywhere & you'd die. you're alive, congrats.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I'll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
new medication who dis
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