“Murdered” is such a strong word. I prefer “whoops”.

I want to start a metal band called 'Cubicle Death Sentence' and all my jams will be about excel spreadsheets and setting shit on fire.

Oh man, I just got unfollowed by who gives a shit.

MADE MY ESPRESSO TOO STRONG AND NOW I CAN HEAR THE SUN

I took off my bra if anyone was wondering what fried eggs on a nail look like.

Well, this 1000 piece cat puzzle isn't going to put itself together.

This is an outrage! *throws down propeller hat*

I drink PBR because it's a lot like me. Cheap, tasteless, and hasn't won an award since 2006.

*shrugs vagina*

Heard Jeff Dunham was performing at the convention center so I burned it down.

Making Colombian style chicken soup tonight. The secret ingredient is cocaine.

Smoke pot = eat a cheeseburger, snort bath salts = eat a face. Sounds legit.

Gonna go to the bookstore and treat it like a library.

I smell like I haven't showered in a week, but it's only been three days.

Being "Twitter elite" is like trying to be the most talented person in a $15 writing class at the Y.

The next time a guy tells you he loves you, politely reply “Thank you” and then break up with him before something terrible happens.

Before the internet, if you wanted to show a girl your wang you had to buy a trench coat.

True entertainment is sitting at your desk in your yoga ball chair, ripping a fart, and watching the dog try and figure out WTF that was.

Misery is a choice. The world isn’t responsible for you. Good things happen to people who get off their asses and make it happen.

The easiest way to be lonely is to be honest to anyone about how you really feel.