Because 'brunch' sounds better than 'I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.'

Whether or not a bitch is one, if you have 99 simultaneous problems you should probably step back and reconsider your approach to life.

First cousin marriage is legal in 19 states. It's legal to fuck a horse in 23 states. Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. USA!! USA!!

I don't think you're boring. I just think fun doesn't like you.

I remember when Tonka trucks were made out of metal and play time included risk of injury.

At what point does a baby cease to be a miracle and is just another asshole human being like the rest of us?

I really enjoy hating the things that I hate. That's positive, isn't it?

A great vocabulary is great.

I've been working on a design for a kryptonite tattoo to keep all the douchebags with Superman tattoo's the fuck away.

The only difference between eccentric and bat shit crazy is a bank account.

Disco Jesus died for your sequins.

I've been accused again of wearing my jeans in such a way as to highlight my cock. Totally guilty.. and thanks for noticing.

Keep talking, asshole. And tomorrow you can explain to your friends how a fag broke your nose.

I have time for your nonsense.

You know who else refrigerated their peanut butter? Hitler.

You never hear about guys finding Satan in prison.

I'm old enough to remember the excitement of answering a phone without foreknowledge of who was calling.

Does anyone know if I'm allowed to be aware of breast cancer without having to buy a bunch of useless pink shit?

If you haven't learned how to flush a public toilet with your foot, you have no sense of self preservation and might as well lick the floor.

Don't say your boner is raging, that makes it sound angry and unapproachable.