Cheap Thrills: Throw a couple of chips of dry ice in the urinal. Proclaim yourself thunderdick to the other urinators.

If you find yourself drinking and smoking while masturbating to the sound of frying bacon, you may want to lay off Twitter for a while.

Oh Twitter my Twitter, what sweet procrasturbation.

I like to stop, drop and roll just to celebrate NOT being on fire.

Saw a guy today wearing Crocs and a Speedo like it was this decade's version of two turntables and a microphone.

I write my own Tweets, but I pay some Malaysians $.10 a piece to read yours.

I was going to make a new list and title it "Chronic Masturbators" but that would include everyone I follow, now wouldn't it?

When God does that thing where he floats all the good people to heaven, we should all throw a party. Finally have some fun up in here.

We should study the brains of people that complain about stolen tweets while 10,000 copyrighted "shared" songs live on their hard drive.

I think of nature the same way as some of my friends. You're really cool and all but stay the fuck outta my house.

My favorite masturbation euphemism: Roughing up the witness.

Twitter/Favstar has been kinda like a heroin addiction without the upside for me. I'm gonna give real life another go. Love and Respect.

A friend says if I keep making obscure references I'm going to become the Oingo Boingo of Twitter. I have no idea what that means.

Tampons are made that way because everything involving a vagina has at least one string attached.

I want to get a tattoo. Something prophetic. Perhaps an image of me getting a tattoo removed at the Doctors office.

Depressing fact: 60 percent of Ohioans think good bagels are shitty donuts.

A client emailed that they wanted some *clamification* on some contractual issues. We need the biz, but not that damn bad.

Coming back to work and then playing the Kazoo is a musical way to inform your coworkers that you got stoned at lunch.

Recessionary Elegance: Refer to toasted Pop-Tarts™ as pastry and untoasted as Pop Tartare.

A woman can call a man a misogynist with little impunity. When a man says a woman is a bitch, he is irrevocably labeled a misogynist.