Boasting about your Twitter accomplishments is like comparing your special olympics medals with Michael Phelps

I'd like to thank my dog..for stealing my panties & biting tiny holes in them. I was relieved it was him, and not that my vagina had moths.

My boyfriend has the sensitivity of a Hallmark card. written by Charlie Sheen.

My bf cut me off mid-sentence to inform me that his game was on. Looks like someone's gonna be watchin' Beaches later tonight. Fucker.

VIRGIN BLUE Flight Attendant Puts 17 Month Old In Overhead Bin. Don't know about the rest of ya'll, but I'm flyin' Virgin Blue from now on.

I hate how stroke victims can never tell you anything with a straight face.

Seriously Phone Company..if you are gonna insist on sending me a massive phone book in 2011, why not send a complimentary rotary phone, too?

I wish Kathy Griffin and Carrot Top would hurry up and have a kid together already. I've been waiting for so long for Mask 2.

Saw this psychologist theorize about men guitar players, that it's just an extension of the penis. If true, more men should play the ukelele

Ok..I have a confession. I follow one of you, because of how consistently unfunny you are. It's a comedy trainwreck. I can't look away.

In other news...if you say the word Greek, in any context, it automatically becomes an 'anal' reference, to me.

Just so I'm clear, here.. how many followers do I need to have, before I become an elitist, twitter douchebag? I'm so excited.

Ever notice little kids walk just like Yosemite Sam, after they've shit their pants?

I'm bored with the word 'cum'. I think from here on in.. I'm going to refer to it as pleasure sauce.

We are about two generations away from having kids stare in bewilderment at a standard clock face, like we do with sundials

#ffing someone with 50,000+ followers doesn't make people believe you are in that person's inner circle. We just cringe at your toolness.

I bet orphans don't find April Fools jokes very funny at all. Will let you know tomorrow.

If I become a prostitute at some point, I think I want Bob Dole to be my pimp. His pimp hand doesn't scare me so much.

Thinking about getting a Speak 'n Spell to write dirty words with it, just so I'd know what phone sex with Stephen Hawking would be like.

I cannot wait until I've been around long enough to know who you guys are making shitty passive aggressive tweets about!