Distance is the biggest cock block of them all.

Clerk:you're too young to be a mom. Me:...I'm 35. Clerk:...then you're too old to be wearing pig tails and a spiderman shirt. Me:*thumbs up*

Of course i'll be wearing boots! I can't promise i'll be wearing pants, but there will be boots.

That's it baby star me. Star me harder...as hard as you can. Make me retweet!

I could give a crap that the iPhone 5 is out. When they come out with a teleporter, then i'll be interested

For fucks sake! It's masturbate...with a U...not an E. I can only assume that if you can't spell it right, you can't do it right either

Wtf...I keep reading tweets about girls having orgasms when they sneeze.I sneezed 6 times in a row & only got a headache.I call bullshit!

I'm tired. Can some one carry me to bed? On second thought, forget that. Can you drag me there by my hair? Please and thank you.

If you're going to slap me in the ass and not hit hard enough to leave a lasting mark, you shouldn't even bother.

Play hard or go home.

NFL football is as close to church as I get

Cray, adorbs, totes, yolo, jelly....no. Just no.

Cut it the fuck out.

Masturbating is like Chinese food. It's satisfies you for a bit, but you're hungry for more an hour later.

Guy outside liquor store-i wanna wear you like a belt.
Me-I wanna make you into a skin suit
Him-wtf??
Me-*winks and skips to car*

Already sick of jewelry ads for Mother's Day.

Mother's Day jewelry should be made of macaroni and glitter...period.

Wanted this to be my new avi, but twitter won't let me :/ pic.twitter.com/bQ76gUwsbm

Your lips should be right here... pic.twitter.com/TkPddDtr1R

Aww...you think I'll chase you?

That's cute.

*pats head*

I bet my twitter crush and your twitter crush are talking dirty on kik right now. So.....wanna get naked?

pic.twitter.com/H4kIQlcD

I will star fuck you so hard you won't be able to walk straight for days.