If I have 3+ orgasms, you're doing it right and I WILL be coming back for more. No exceptions.

5+, you're about to get spoiled.

Fuck marriage. Fuck chick flicks. Fuck crying. Fuck bullshit. Yes companionship. Yes fun. Yes travel. Yes crazy, large amounts of sex.

If she doesn't know how much you want her, you're fucking up.

Me + alcohol ≠ quiet

Secret: I'm a snuggle addict almost as bad as a sex addict. Fuck me to make me happy, snuggle me to make me fall in love.

Wake me up with sex every day instead of an alarm and you will find yourself in the perfect relationship

Fuck sexting. I want the real thing.

The best way to keep me from bitching is to keep me steady fucked.

If I had a dollar for every time I've had to go on a search for my clothes around the house I would definitely buy some weed.

Your boob tattoo is super sexy #SaidNoOneEver

If you want oral but won't give oral, fuck off. Your existence is not necessary.

I got run over my a lawn mower when I was 2 and still can't be stopped. If you don't like it promptly Fuck off!! http://t.co/Nmcmqtsi

If you say you will be alone forever I HAVE to unfollow you bc you're being stupid, there is a piece of shit partner out there for you

That's right folks, I can talk about sex and make lame jokes all fucking day long.

Fuck you. You're the best. Look at my cock. I'm tired. I'm horny. I'm a bitch. Look at my pot.

-Twitter

I'm not a gold digger, I'm just not attracted to anyone who doesn't have their shit together enough to spoil me as much as I spoil myself.

I need sleep. I need to get laid. I need a vacation and a massage. I need some fucking TLC. Can I get an amen?! Anybody?

If your boobs are big because you're fat that doesn't fucking count!!!

No sex < masturbate < sext/masturbate < skype sex < drunk hook up < significant other sex < threesome < sex in love

Mother fucking graduated!!