Why do little kids insist on pushing little strollers? I would make mine push something useful. Like a cooler.

Is it inappropriate to answer the door pantsless? Or awesome.

I may have overdone it with the bugspray. I'm going to open the windows because these purple penguins are really starting to annoy me.

Dear vodka- I had a lot of fun with you last night. We should do it more often. Love, Carly. Ps- don't tell beer.

They should just call the crisper what it really is- where fruits and vegetables go to die.

What do we want? Porn! When do we want it? Now! Well maybe in a few minutes but definitely soon. Maybe after dinner.

When I grow up I wanna be a cougar.

My grandma just called to say my cousin had a baby. Asked me if I had a boyfriend and then asked me what was wrong with me.

If I was meant to wear pants I would have been born with them on

Inside at the bar- where my beers are free and its dark enough that my friends are good looking.

My nightly dilemma: drink, smoke, or exercise. The one syllable ones SOUND easier. Ill go with those.

A pitcher of margaritas at this restaurant is 68 dollars. I could find a hooker named margarita for half that outside & get bonus herpes.

Everytime you interrupt someone your penis gets a little shorter.

Organizing my books alphabetically by last name of the author. Related: accidentally took ritalin instead of xanax.

I'm going to devote a whole day everyday for the next 7 days to cleaning one room. Todays room: none! Coming up with the idea was hard work

What do they do with all my extra blood after the lab tests it? Am I fueling some killer squirrel breeding experiment? If so- cool.

My 8am hurts.

This chef on ultimate cake off is a douche. But ultimately- I'd let him take my cake off. If you know what I'm saying.

I think twitter is using me

How come lights burning out has to be so scary. A nice pre-recorded message saying how it was a pleasure to help me see would do.