Leave me in the dark. It's better not to see some things.

Do more than pray for Moore Oklahoma:  http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/05/20/18381508-how-to-help-oklahoma-tornado-victims?lite …

Just followed someone purely on a cool header. Don't let me down, dude.

My typos are self aware and mock me, so I delete them with extreme prejudice. I don't have to tolerate that shit from those ignorant fucks.

Every single number you see here is irrelevant.

Just realized Monster Slurpees are a thing & I’ve never seen one around here & now I don’t care if I even wake up tomorrow.

Had my first sneeze n' pee today. Just another landmark on the road to death.

I'll go to your baby's baptism if we can throw holy water balloons at its head.

Fuck you, God. #oklahomacitytornado

Take life seriously, not fucking Twitter.

I'll believe it when I see it. And kiss it. And hold it. And stroke it. And spoon it. And watch Breaking Bad in bed with it.

The girl of my dreams is a bag of weed.

Quit thinking you're something special, boys. I can pee standing up too, it's not hard.

Part of me feels the need to help older dudes dress for summer then I think whoa gay.

I just gave myself a full breast exam.

I'm like all kinds of self righteous ranty.

Feels fucking great Xx

My boss goes away Thursday.
Then I'm gonna get on a plane and fly to America and go to TARGET bitches.
Because we don't have target Xx

"Mind your own fucking business." Get some today.

All their exes were crazy?
What changed so that they could suddenly choose a non crazy you?
Maaaybee they weren't crazy.
Or maybe you are Xx

My all is nothing.