You know what dryer??? Just have all the socks because I give up!

I wish I was "blackout" drunk or in a coma. I also wish I had cake.

Just dropped the "F Bomb" while riding in the car with my family. It was not a crowd pleaser. Related: Fuck them I am Fucking 30.

There is never a good time to tell someone you clogged their toilet. Lesson Learned.

Every time a dude asks me if I spit or swallow I spit out whatever I am drinking just so we are perfectly clear.Also its's fucking hilarious

Everytime I hear a baby cry my uterus stops working.

Nothing says "It's Over" like a $300 shopping spree, a new cell number, new locks on house, new ATM password, and Oops I fucked your friend.

So let me get this straight, you want to bend me over the couch and make me feel better while video taping it? Deal. Ihop later?

My 15 year old niece text me saying she needs birth control and now I am certain she is getting more action than me! unrelated: new razors

I keep thinking it would be nice to have a boyfriend and then I remember that relationships suck and I keep eating cookies.

Ladies, there is now scientific evidence that a man's erection goes away when women start crying.
Stalker.Problem.Solved

My advice to the younger generation is shut the fuck up.

The most productive thing I've done today is eat 7 cookies and write this tweet which means I'm fucking awesome.

I don't consider myself bitter. I consider myself slightly tart with a twist of batshit crazy.

I treat sexting as a sport. Just when you least expect it, BAM boob pic! I win!

I just farted so loud it scared my dog.



Shocking that I am still single eh?

Even my imaginary friends can go fuck themselves.

I am to old and tired to play games with men. Unless they are naked games..then I am all in.

The best I can do is promise that I will piss you off a lot and your mother will hate me. So do you want to date??

So I am pretty much over the whole dating scene. I have realized that jammies and porn are way more fun when drunk and by yourself...FOREVER