Have you ever had a fly land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

Retweet if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel

Geeze you mention one key word in a tweet and BAM spam tweets. Ok then let's try this out: Candy Murder Dolls Chinese Herbs Letter Opener!

If they don't allow animals in heaven then I refuse to go.

Walked around with a chocolate sprinkle on my glasses for about an hour before I noticed. I'm so sophisticated.

#FF @phil_hicks_ @mouseindanger @gothic_inferno @cheriogaleus @yimsterfife @wayward_angel_

Dear LOL and Hmmmm,
Thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say.

Woke up this morning by phone.Was in regards to cervical screening. Them: "Are you sexually active?" Me: "No, I was just sleeping..?.." .-.

Can someone please invent unsmudgable glasses? Thanks...

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies!

Dang boobs... Costing me money. Dang. BOOBS. o.o

The awkward moment when someone is being serious and you laugh >.<

And while I am still bitching, why the hell would they remake Red Dawn?! It is fine the way it is! #bitchFitOver

The washing machine speaks to me in french

There was a spider in the cookie jar. Who is trying to kill me? O.O

My rat whimpered in her sleep.... Aww my lil baby (^-^)

I don't like fitted sheets.

Car sick... Cant see horizon, its all trees. No time for punctuation!

"Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway." - Elbert Hubbard