Look, I'm not mad. I just think next time you borrow my pink furry handcuffs and nipple clamps, you ask first. Its just rude, Grandma

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" said the Wizard of Oz. Ironically, those were my exact words when BF came home early today

Man marries deaf girl. He says "We must work out a code. When I ask if you want to have sex, pull my dick once for Yes and 52 times for No."

When my BF and I spoon in bed, he always reaches up to cup a boob. Wish he'd start cupping mine tho. His knuckles keep digging into my back

Okay, I have to say "Kudos" to those who don't gain weight over the holidays. And by "Kudos" I mean "Fuck you"

I'm pretty sure the guy with the Jesus fish symbol on his rear bumper wasn't just showing me the direction to heaven with that middle finger

Hey Mr. Loud CellPhone Talker, so what if your penis is so large that she was walking funny the next day? Geez!...BTW, I get off work at 12.

The Fantasy: He runs a nice hot shower so that the water can cascade down your bodies together... The Reality: He spits when he talks.

Let's see...Got to work, tweeted, texted friends, checked FB, played on twitter again...Now I'm bored. Maybe I'll go ask boss for a raise...

Of course I'd rather read funny tweets than actually do my work...that's like asking me if I'd rather just lay there or be on top

It's weird how my boyfriend gets his period at the same time I get mine. Bet it has to do with me kicking him in the balls when I'm PMSing.

Don't you hate it when they are supposed to be your knight in shining armor but then they actually turn out to be a retard in tin foil?

Its not the turkey that makes me tired. Its the Xanax I pop to tolerate conversations that begin with: "Dad's hemorrhoids are acting up..."

Went to watch the teen movie New Moon. There was so much hoot n hollering and whistling at those boy actors. But my kid told me to hush up.

Grandma and Grandpa said they've just made some wonderful eggnog...I hope to God that's not a euphemism.

After eating oysters my boyfriend said, "You know what they say about oysters" Based on us NOT having sex, I'm guessing they cause snoring.

Thanksgiving dinner will never be the same for me again after my doctor performed a pap smear, asking if my bird has ever turned out dry

Hate when I accidentally take Tylenol PM instead of just plain Tylenol. After a few minutes, I sound like a grownup on the Peanuts cartoon.

My BF got mad at me while we were getting it on earlier. I guess next time I be careful not to yell out, "Star my ass!" Pffft...big baby.

Kid: Why do people honk a car horn, mom? Me: It's the universal language used to tell the other driver that we wished they were never born