I wish I could delete my vagina's browser history.

If I'm asked what side of the bed I sleep on, I reply with "the dark side" then make lightsaber noises. I'm such a fucking catch.

Getting a guy to walk me home and then stabbing him will never get old.

"Face down, on the floor".

Now this bank robber didn't say ass in the air, but I'm going to throw it out there, see what happens...

Over 60 million active Twitter accounts. How dare any of you have something remotely similar to say. What do you think this is, real life?

You know you were drunk when you have to take 3 tampons out in the morning.

If I were a Care Bear I'd be Finger Bang Bear.

I'm going to get "you're not doing me hard enough" tattooed on my back to save me having to repeat myself.

Twitter is a playground and like any other playground there's always bullies to ruin your fun and some pervert jerking off behind a bush.

This tweet was brought to you by the same finger that just gave me an orgasm.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful baby but PLEASE tell me you're not all the way in.

Before Twitter, I used to be an ignorant bitch. Now I'm a well informed one.

Sometimes I like to go to the dog pound and whisper “nobody wants you” to all the puppies.

"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!" - what I scream at the shower curtains in hotels.

This is the third cereal toy I’ve lost in my vagina. I’m beginning to think I’m not supposed to put them up there.

If women laid eggs, I’d get pregnant all the time and make omelettes and meringues out of my unformed children.

If I ever get asked if I want the blue pill or the red pill, my response will be to ask which one will fuck me up more.

If someone tells me they have my back I assume that means they'll fuck me in the ass.

Putting "ya" in front of an insult makes it an affectionate term of endearment, ya cunts.

You know you need to be banged until you're raw if you have to change your knickers after someone blows you a kiss.