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  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

    • 455
    • FAVS
    31LLYCarlosVanSRonk_beecmax_pad21URKidnRitethatstingsblue292UnFitz
    • 85
    • RETWEETS
    Unreal_1max_pad21URKidnRitemadrigroberJabberrantiamaaronlongEagle_VisionRhoffman20
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    The best ponytail holder is a guy's fist.

    • 244
    • FAVS
    URKidnRitethatstingsKaraokleeitmakesuwonderborderlinekrysketamineD4th_m0nthSoJaJaneman
    • 137
    • RETWEETS
    FridaysFailure5thRingitmakesuwonder4th_m0nthCAAT605GabZaldivarbasilezzatmohlookiNAKED____
    crazyblurrymeSmethanie
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    I am a very deep person. Either that, or my fingers are really short.

    • 341
    • FAVS
    thatstingsllvvzzOblivionDreamliniqPaul_Rego________Sk4tzKobbejaegerzenchampion
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    danieldavid1968traceygwmicktaiwanZippyBippymxxolisiLemadame11
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    The only way this coffee could be any better is if it would pull my hair and call me a whore.

    • 232
    • FAVS
    thatstingsblue292giantsshirt______BoyCalledAnnCOOKlEFOREVER4th_m0nthRb8936BoffoYuxDudes
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    FridaysFailureKeyedUpJess______COOKlEFOREVERmonica8306captain_happenAaronLittensphnolaThisIsntSam
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    The bank called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.

    • 287
    • FAVS
    BuffaloWingWearKevinBuffalo5haners__________URKidnRitethatstingsblue292llvvzz1tru_rubia
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    KevinBuffaloURKidnRiteBanterpropscelineoliviaidterabPeteECochranepotterifiedjenadam1
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    You catch more flies with honey, but you get more ass with alcohol.

    • 283
    • FAVS
    thatstingsblue292Sk4tzzenchampionsquibbledlampertzdietredbullcathatbat
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    cathatbatImmaCrackerFavstar500Favsfavstar1000favs_theeresaalexcastrolllchoracuicasublevo
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    Facebook is where mothers post about their little angels. Twitter is where mothers reveal what soul sucking little shits kids really are.

    • 270
    • FAVS
    URKidnRiteblue292llvvzzrsmallboneSk4tzno_ninjask_sophiadlampertz
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    R1CC1K1nolacat1micktaiwanZabethTreinsJulOhJul
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    With this pill, I thee tolerate.

    • 246
    • FAVS
    Balutblue292zer0zipnadaGuyDeNomBettyBitchheadCosmicCatm3553dupnativeminnow
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    zer0zipnadaGuyDeNomCM2BTTHDHodanAwel________LucasMailingxHeidi_Cassxhookmeupinitlllvvvzzz
    llvvzz
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    Oh sure, you dip lobster in butter and you're "classy" but I dip my cheeseburger in butter and I'm "fat".

    • 244
    • FAVS
    blue292llvvzzSk4tzsquibblesk_sophiadlampertzdietredbullGod__Damn_Robin
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    ParmineoGunKing1idfcamJB5899OneLinersPlusStarrcastic1LaMops__randomslagathor
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    I'll never be the prettiest or funniest girl so I try to be the drunkest...which conveniently makes me forget I'm not the other two.

    • 230
    • FAVS
    blue292llvvzzliniqSk4tzLamorisquezenchampionsquibblesk_sophia
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    cathatbatCuntosaurBiiggDaddyyFavstar500Favsfadertot________AbiJenaeLieberHerrJ______Ade1965
    ImVodkaSoaked____
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    I was going to try eating vegan today, but those fuckers run faster than you'd think in their Birkenstock's.

    • 226
    • FAVS
    blue292llvvzzJTJerkoffdlampertzdietredbullNickadooCJRoberts_DMM____Momfia
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    trialfemmeHeliosprotect____WeRLastagnwhitnefariousMolly_Katsdeletedacct3devinmcmahanShittEyeHear______
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    I don't need stars to tell me I'm funny, hot, and sexy as fucking hell. That's what the delusions are for.

    • 221
    • FAVS
    blue292llvvzzDistantTrainliniqSk4tzdlampertzdietredbullNickadoo
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    deletedacct3seriouslysweetjulie_insaneFavstar500FavsDizzblnd__________favstar1000favschas50PrettyOKIGuess___
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    Why are you arguing about the existence of god on facebook? You play mafia wars for fucks sake. I doubt even Jesus would take you seriously.

    • 226
    • FAVS
    blue292llvvzzliniqSk4tzCountryRockGirlsk_sophiadietredbullAPaintedMind
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    APaintedMind
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    Monotony is a fucking bore, but monogamy is a boring fuck.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    llvvzzSk4tzno_ninjaizrigroddlampertztamytoo2dietredbullGod__Damn_Robin
    • 23
    • RETWEETS
    Sk4tzno_ninjaCastelViel________tjapple1surlygurlcalipe3000SenorCrisostomoClahh______
    Yidago____________
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    You know, this conversation would be going a lot better if your voice was muffled by my thighs.

    • 205
    • FAVS
    llvvzzSk4tzzenchampionsquibblecocaaze13dlampertzFriskyandFeistytamytoo2
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    CastelViel________Favstar500FavsDizzblnd__________favstar1000favssylverratiamejikeCookieClowryallconsoffun
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

    • 210
    • FAVS
    llvvzzSk4tzjoebellwho______squibbleCountryRockGirldietredbullcathatbatAPaintedMind
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Vskellet1cathatbatAPaintedMind
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

    • 190
    • FAVS
    llvvzzdlampertzdietredbullcathatbatNickadooCJRoberts_DMM____paralunoHarley_Tech
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    Vskellet1cathatbatSusie702Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favsVanHerndonItMadeMeLaughadurr12
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    The pizza guy is confused about where to deliver my food. I thought "third treadmill from the door" was clear enough.

    • 182
    • FAVS
    KevinBuffalollvvzzSk4tzno_ninjasquibbleCountryRockGirldlampertzdietredbull
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    KevinBuffalono_ninjabestat_testingFavstar500FavsbrockcookOTfavstar1000favshydroxide_Hmmarzinzik
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    I'm pretty sure the only way I'll ever be having a threesome is if I start using both hands.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    llvvzzliniqSk4tzno_ninjazenchampiondietredbullNickadooCJRoberts_DMM____
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    no_ninjaFavstar500FavsJTJerkofffavstar1000favszakozprime
  • Miss_Cook
      Miss_Cook @Miss_Cook

    I rate my shitty days on a scale of 1 to Nickelback.

    • 159
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzenchampiondlampertzdarkdraggonDumbassadorgravymonkeyPeaches830FriedaClub
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    poppingrocksNomimiMonster____plainsongs1dylan_gunclintbannerMcrmygirl25______ColdFactorbitchfacebambi
@Miss_Cook

@Miss_Cook

If I fit my entire life bio into one line, I'm never gonna get that book deal. Boobies.