Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

The best ponytail holder is a guy's fist.

I am a very deep person. Either that, or my fingers are really short.

The only way this coffee could be any better is if it would pull my hair and call me a whore.

The bank called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.

You catch more flies with honey, but you get more ass with alcohol.

Facebook is where mothers post about their little angels. Twitter is where mothers reveal what soul sucking little shits kids really are.

With this pill, I thee tolerate.

Oh sure, you dip lobster in butter and you're "classy" but I dip my cheeseburger in butter and I'm "fat".

I'll never be the prettiest or funniest girl so I try to be the drunkest...which conveniently makes me forget I'm not the other two.

I was going to try eating vegan today, but those fuckers run faster than you'd think in their Birkenstock's.

I don't need stars to tell me I'm funny, hot, and sexy as fucking hell. That's what the delusions are for.

Why are you arguing about the existence of god on facebook? You play mafia wars for fucks sake. I doubt even Jesus would take you seriously.

Monotony is a fucking bore, but monogamy is a boring fuck.

You know, this conversation would be going a lot better if your voice was muffled by my thighs.

You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.

The pizza guy is confused about where to deliver my food. I thought "third treadmill from the door" was clear enough.

I'm pretty sure the only way I'll ever be having a threesome is if I start using both hands.

I rate my shitty days on a scale of 1 to Nickelback.