Sometimes you need to be grabbed by your hair and told exactly what you are going to be doing.

There is something incredibly sexy about a guy who understands your mind and will do anything to protect your heart.

You know you're awesome when people you don't even know hate you.

You say insult, I say accurate description.

If ignorance is bliss, you should be in a state of perpetual orgasm.

When I turn on my navigation system, just once I want to hear: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY.

Behind every great woman is a man whispering dirty words in her ear.

I hate when distance gets in the way of what could be a really good hug.

Don't wait for your happily ever after. Grab that motherfucker by the throat and make it your bitch.

Isn't it cute how people walk out in front of your moving car and stick their hand out like they're a fucking Jedi?

I might not have it all together, but I promise I will be your favorite disaster.

Found $300 in an old purse. On a whim handed a homeless man $50, who immediately put it in a card to his granddaughter & mailed it. I cried.

I just DESTROYED this old lady in the secret rap battle I had in my head.

When someone wraps your imperfections in acceptance and love, then you will know the meaning of calm.

Is Cinco de Mayo where you show your taco to get beads?

My favorite color is your transparency.

We all are just one tickle-fight away from something completely inappropriate.

I'm sorry, I will dumb it down for you.

I'm so naked, drunk and stupid. So very, very stupid. Oops, my mouth fell on a dick.

Boobs.

If someone wants to love you, they will find a reason to. If someone wants to hate you, they will find a reason to and then make up 100 more

Disclaimer: By reading this tweet you have agreed to officially become my bitch.