Two of my last three meals have been airport food, so they might as well change my seat to the bathroom.

I clearly didn't spend my time away learning to proofread before hitting send.

It's pretty upsetting that I will never be able to use the word "twerk" in casual converaation without being looked at funny.

My stomach growls in 5 different languages.

I'm so tired that I might pass out the next time this idiot makes me roll my eyes.

I don't trust people who still wear a watch.

Remember when Marilyn Manson shocked people and I had my dignity? Those were the days!

Dear sweet baby Jesus holding a magic 8 ball, will I ever learn to not stare at people's mouth herpes?

Soooo...did I miss anything?

I know I've been gone awhile, am I too late to bitch about the changes? Nevermind. I'm still freaking out about this beer tasting like bacon

I want my tombstone to have the last text I ever sent written on it.

I wear my halo as a belt.

Sports montage creators don't love anything like they love Linkin Park.

4 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. All I can think about is being tired & wondering if we have any Cheez-Its.

My house would be a good place search for tampons like it's an Easter egg hunt.

This is my political tweet.

I don't like today, I want a redo.

I swear officer, I was minding my own business when suddenly the emergency exit door opened all by itself and the screaming kid flew out.

Impromptu vacation because you only live once.

That real slow sip when you are unsure if you picked up the right drink...