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You know how they say "the camera adds ten pounds"? well, the internet makes us all look awful.
In my opinion, a person is only as cool as the person they can quote from memory.
In my book, you're not cool unless you sometimes play with toy dinosaurs in the dark by yourself.
Us single guys have it pretty rough. I can't ever buy lotion without people thinking I use it to jerk off with.
I could tell that the nightmare I just had was trying to be scary but the demons kept having musical numbers. Wasn't doing it for me.
A life of drug-dealing gives you a goatee. #fact Anybody that doesn't have a goatee but sells drugs, isn't a "drug-dealer".
Earning that username, I see. rt @amberanimosity I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
What's the difference betwix a hungry pirate and a drunk pirate? One's a rumbling tummy and the other's a tumbling rummy. #piratejoke
I don't know how you can say we're still racist; I watched this porn once and the white guy called the black chick blowing him "a champ."
I wish I could get my brother & sister to do a stage show where we discuss what shirts match with what sweatpants & if that rug goes there.
I am only comforted by the fear that my greatest blunders are still ahead of me.
When I use twitter it's like I'm poppin' champagne bottles, spraying fav stars everywhere.
Drinking a beer while watching KotH is as essential as smoking a joint while watching Cheech & Chong.
Never thinking I'd live to see the day I'd watch my own DVD.
