Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice

Once a lady in a bar yelled "Anyone know CPR?". I said "I know the WHOLE alphabet" & everyone laughed except one guy..

Seriously, learn CPR

I run with scissors. You know why?




Cause I got places to be and shit to cut

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

I love how little kids are like "fuck it", cowboy boots go with everything

Twitter has destroyed my ability to distinguish between jokes and sad personal confessions

I never run with scissors.


Those last two words were unnecessary.

Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

I love it when people release doves at their wedding because nothing quite says true love like a beautiful creature running for it's life

We as human beings need to be entertained. Even in our sleep

Our mind goes, "Are we just gonna lay here for 8 hrs? Boring, here's a dragon"

Texted a woman "I can see myself growing old with you."

When I got no response for 5 hrs I wrote "stupid auto-correct. Meant to say hey"

Dear pots and pans,

Shut the fuck up, I barely touched you

I buy and return from Baby Gap just so when the cashier asks why I'm returning, I say "wasn't mine!", then attempt to high-five everyone

Do whatever the fuck that makes you happy.

Try not to overthink things.




Be reckless.

Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?"

Now, I tweet them

"Whatever You Were Going to Eat, Plus Cheese"


-tentative title of the cookbook I'm writing

There's a guy in H&M trying on sweatpants and checking the mirror.

They're sweatpants bro. They're made for catching mustard. Buy em

You're free the exact moment you decide to be

It's so cute when a person's spouse joins Twitter and ruins Twitter for them