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Dear pots and pans,
Shut the fuck up, I barely touched you
Once a lady in a bar yelled "Anyone know CPR?". I said "I know the WHOLE alphabet" & everyone laughed except one guy..
Seriously, learn CPR
If people don’t like you for who you are - change the people, not yourself.
I don't sext. I make lovt
"Whatever You Were Going to Eat, Plus Cheese"
-tentative title of the cookbook I'm writing
Ladies, I'm like super cool but you probably wouldn't be able to tell the first 10 times you meet me
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she's completely out of your league?
Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't
Sometimes I get in elevators dressed up as Willy Wonka, press random buttons & yell "fuckin' go sideways!"
I like to imagine hipsters who wear fake glasses had great grandparents who wore fake monocles as if being an asshole is hereditary
Do whatever the fuck that makes you happy.
Try not to overthink things.
Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice
Planning on creating an iPhone app that notifies you when the light is green
- Not One Woman Ever
Sometimes supporting someone can be as simple as shutting the fuck up & staying out of their way
Everybody has something to prove - an audience to blame, a past to run from, a future to run to, a present to ignore
I'm a pretty good judge of people, which is why I like so few of them
Whenever I break up with a woman I say "I'm just tryin' to stack my paper" and they usually understand
The inside of an Abercrombie & Fitch smells a lot like acceptance in high school
Whenever I'm waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I'm on a Game Show & just won a group of people
Recommended by 4 out of 5 people that recommend things. Aspiring Superhero or Evil Genius. Unreliable. Easily distrac...