Dear pots and pans,

Shut the fuck up, I barely touched you

Once a lady in a bar yelled "Anyone know CPR?". I said "I know the WHOLE alphabet" & everyone laughed except one guy..

Seriously, learn CPR

If people don’t like you for who you are - change the people, not yourself.

I don't sext. I make lovt

"Whatever You Were Going to Eat, Plus Cheese"


-tentative title of the cookbook I'm writing

Ladies, I'm like super cool but you probably wouldn't be able to tell the first 10 times you meet me

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she's completely out of your league?

Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't

Sometimes I get in elevators dressed up as Willy Wonka, press random buttons & yell "fuckin' go sideways!"

I like to imagine hipsters who wear fake glasses had great grandparents who wore fake monocles as if being an asshole is hereditary

Do whatever the fuck that makes you happy.

Try not to overthink things.




Be reckless.

Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a gentleman is a matter of choice

Planning on creating an iPhone app that notifies you when the light is green

"I'm warm"


- Not One Woman Ever

Sometimes supporting someone can be as simple as shutting the fuck up & staying out of their way

Everybody has something to prove - an audience to blame, a past to run from, a future to run to, a present to ignore

I'm a pretty good judge of people, which is why I like so few of them

Whenever I break up with a woman I say "I'm just tryin' to stack my paper" and they usually understand

The inside of an Abercrombie & Fitch smells a lot like acceptance in high school

Whenever I'm waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I'm on a Game Show & just won a group of people