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Twitter: Because eHarmony is too expensive and craigslist is full of trannies.
My milkshake brings that one lactose intolerant kid to the yard, and he's like, "Meh."
Drop and give me plenty.
Not everyone is trying to hit on your chick so stop evil eyeing.
I mean, yeah, I am trying to hit on her, but stop being a bitch about it.
I just found a chocolate chip cookie in the microwave.
Further proof that I am The Chosen One.
Get over yourself. You're telling jokes on Twitter for fucks sake.
HAPPY LABIA DAY!
Or whatever the fuck you people have been on about all day.
You know who sucks at karate?
Everyone who saw The Karate Kid in 1984, took two months of classes and then quit.
In 5th grade my teacher had me read aloud from a science book. I said "orgasm" instead of "organism."
It was the peak of my comedy career.
BEST TWEETUP EVER! #3wordsaftersex
Every single thing I've ever said to any woman ever. #failedpickuplines
Do these nine Twitter apps make me look like an unemployed shut-in?
Someone said, "See ya next year!" to me today.
He was big, but I finally got him through the wood chipper.
One of the bars I went to last night had a really hot chick bartender.
I fixed her iPod.
She didn't have sex with me.
QUICK! Someone tweet a guacamole or avocado joke so I can reply with, "Guaca guaca guaca!"
Drinking beer and eating tacos to cure this hangover.
Just like in the Bible.
If the children are our future, I am scared shitless because some of the weirdos I follow on Twitter have offspring.
ALERT: I've just been informed that you cannot believe everything on Twitter and that all you chicks are probably dudes.
I'll put it this way... If your man doesn't pee in the shower, then I guarantee that he plucks hair from your head & uses it to make dolls.
Today is International Beer Day.
You know what needs to be done.
On February 9th I asked Pope Benedict if he'd ever heard Pumps And A Bump by Hammer and offered him the mp3. Two days later he announced his resignation.