Ever walked in the kitchen only to find your roommate with a strap on penis dangling from his chin?

Me-1
You-0

Feel free to use the "or less" feature of your 140 characters.

If a transvestite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half? I'm asking for a friend

They're not my imaginary friends! It's called Twitter!

Now...get back in my pocket guys. I'll see you soon.

I can't wait to be in a relationship so I can be sad like all of you.

I've fuckin realized every fuckin time I fuckin say fuckin I fuckin lose another fuckin follower



Fuck

Dear roommate: stop blocking the beer in the fridge with health drinks! Asshole.

Know those people going the other way when you're going to work? They go to your place & sleep in your bed. Happening for years. Surprise!

How many Twitter accounts does Jesus really need?

Throwing Viagra in the milk so Santa has a hard time getting back up the chimney. Use a front door like everyone else asshole!

Happy Birthday America!

Congrats on moving out of your parent's basement & holding a steady job all these years!

P.S. You're broke

I just came all over your tweet. Shouldn't have any problem getting the stars to stick. You're welcome.

My GPS is getting sentimental. Tried to go "home" but all it said was "follow your heart".

Twitter: giving ugly guys a false sense of hope since 2006.

Did the Running Man dance until I tripped on my own whiteness.

You'd think rappers would start buying better microphones instead of having to check it in the beginning of every song.

Started watching The Never Ending Story in the '80s & I'm getting really tired of it.

Actually, going anywhere in a hand basket doesn't sound so horrible.

I hope the author of my autobiography is smart because I don't want to look like a dumb ass.

After that sandwich there's so much lettuce in my teeth it looks like I went down on a Cabbage Patch kid.